EP106 Boundaries: Enforcement and the Aftermath

Enforcing boundaries with the people you love and the professionals you work with on this journey can be tough. Learn what it takes to confidently enforce boundaries and what to do in the aftermath.

Hey Gorgeous, if you want success on your fertility journey, you’ve got to have the mindset for it. It’s time to kick fear, negativity, doubt, shame, jealousy, and the whole clown car of low vibe fertility journey BS to the curb. I’m your host, Roseanne Austin, Fertility Mindset Master. Former prosecutor and recovering type A control freak perfectionist.

I use the power of mindset to get pregnant naturally and have my baby boy at 43, despite years of fertility treatment failure. I help women across the globe beat the odds on their fertility journey, just like I did. Get ready for a quick hit of confidence, joy, feminine badassery, and loads of hell yes for your fertility journey.

It’s time to get fearless baby, fearlessly fertile. Let’s do this. Welcome to the Fearlessly Fertile Podcast, Episode 106, Boundaries, Enforcement, and Aftermath. Hey loves, welcome to part three in this three part series on boundaries. We’ve talked about what boundaries are, why they are important, And some of the stories we tell ourselves about them that stop us dead in our tracks when it comes to setting them.

We’ve also discussed what it takes to be wise with regard to the boundaries we set. It begins and ends with you. Crazy, right? The days of being able to blame other people for shit you don’t like in your life is over, love. Particularly if you are committed to success on this journey. The truth has been exposed.

We all have a role in the bullshit that shows up in our lives. The most awesome thing about that is this places us firmly in the driver’s seat of our lives. We are responsible for ourselves. Does any of this mean that we all have to fall into a pit of nihilistic despair? No! Or, are we all damned to being lone wolves with no pack?

Of course not. It just means we are responsible for telling our pack what we need. And if they can’t or won’t give it to us, that we find others to fill our pack who will. Sounds harsh, but it’s fucking real and deep down, you know it. Boundaries are about being a grownup. This is the kind of personal responsibility that will open you up to filling your life with people who really value and appreciate you.

There are a few times in your life when this is more important than when you’re trying to build your family because this is what you are bringing your baby into. Enforcement of your boundaries is where the rubber hits the road. You have done the work to set a boundary, but it doesn’t mean shit if you don’t enforce it.

That’s true for you and the person you are setting the boundary with. A critical question to support your enforcement of the boundary or boundaries you set is What’s important to you about this boundary? What’s important to you about having your partner show up to your appointments? What’s important to you about your doctor not bringing up surrogacy again?

Even though you think it’s awesome, have no judgments on it other than it’s not for you. What’s important to you about your mother butting out of when you are having a baby? What’s important to you about your friends knowing that you don’t want them to feel sorry for you? What’s important to you about the people around you knowing that your choices on this journey are not up for public debate?

What’s important to you about your partner knowing you are working on you as you live this journey and you expect their support in that process? What’s important to you about having your BFF send you a text once a week telling you she loves you just as you are? There are myriad other boundaries you can set, but the foundational inquiry is about why the particular boundary is important.

You have to be able to state precisely and concisely why it’s important, not just to yourself. Because that’s going to make life a hell of a lot easier when it comes to enforcing it, but also makes it very clear to the other person, the person you’re setting the boundary with, why they should heed this boundary.

When you have this crystal clear in your head, you’ll take a stand for it, if it actually means something to you. And you better get good at standing up for something. As the mother of a miracle baby, you have a responsibility to stand up for that child, protect them, and be your best for them. rather than perpetuating generations of bullshit and smearing your limiting beliefs all over them.

Just keepin it real, baby. Keepin your eye on the prize here. I honestly believe that as women on this journey, we have a very special wake up call that other women don’t. By the very nature of the fact that becoming a mom was not an easy road for us. With the blessing of our miracle babies bestowed upon us, I believe that we have a unique opportunity to be awake and see the wonderful gift we have been given.

Therefore, being particularly assiduous in showing up with excellence to the role of mom. I said assiduous, not officious or perfect, simply striving for better at every turn. Not from a lack of contentment, but commitment. I’m not saying women on this journey are better or worse, rather we have a unique level of awareness.

We are smart to use that awareness to our advantage. There is a very real vulnerability in setting and enforcing boundaries. But if you intend to get anywhere in this life, it takes a degree of that, because you’re letting people see truth. In the end, it’s way less work than being fake. To enforce a boundary, it starts with telling the people that will be immediately impacted by the boundary you set, what it is.

This isn’t what we call strict liability under the law, where a lack of knowledge fails as a defense. When it comes to the people you care about in your life, you have to tell them what the boundary is to fairly enforce it. Tell them in an even handed way so they can understand, ask questions, and confirm their understanding of it.

This is why setting a boundary in the heat of battle is a recipe for disaster. The other person ain’t likely to be listening. They will either be too defensive or distracted by the conflict to fully hear you. That sets you and them up for misery. This is why setting a boundary when things are calm is awesome.

Be open, unapologetic, and loving. Remember, setting a boundary is not about tyranny. It’s letting people know what works for you and giving them a chance to show up for you in that way. If they cross the line, it is your responsibility to tell them. Only immature high school girls expect people to be mind readers.

Expecting other people to guess and read your mind is a form of victimhood that reeks as bad as yesterday’s catch rotting in the sun. Quit it! Stand up straight and tell people what you want. That being said, expect that once you start setting boundaries, other people may start setting them with you.

That is awesome. You don’t want to hurt other people. This is a two way street, which makes perfect sense. As a side note, this is a rather interesting reason why people don’t like to set boundaries. They don’t want to be responsible for having to abide by them with other people. Notice if this comes up for you.

It’s an interesting piece of information to have. Sometimes people who don’t enforce their own boundaries are the worst offender of those held by others. It’s fascinating. Overall, the awesome thing about having boundaries is everyone’s got the goddamn playbook. Everyone has a playbook. Everyone knows how to play this game.

And it’s awesome. It gives everyone an equal footing, an equal chance at success. in any given relationship, personal or professional. Let’s now talk about the aftermath. If you think setting and enforcing a boundary is tough, well, that’s because you haven’t played the whole tape through to the aftermath.

What I call the aftermath is the period of time immediately following the setting and or enforcement This is the period of time when the recipient of the boundary gets to sit with, accept, or decline the boundary that you set. This is when you really have to batten down the hatches and steady your stance in the ring.

Sometimes, the aftermath is fantastic. The person you set the boundary with is receptive, accepting, or even grateful that you set it, so they know which way the wind blows with you. Other times, the aftermath may include the other person wrestling with their own conflict over the boundaries. This is not unreasonable either.

But in the end, their own conflict is not yours. Nor is it your responsibility to unfuck any conflict they have with your boundary. And finally, there will be times when the other person flat out rejects your boundary outright. Or, tries to parse it out or selectively respect it, which one can argue is still a rejection of your boundary, just a little less honorable than an outright rejection.

Parsing your boundary or selectively abiding by it is just manipulative and gross. At least when someone outright rejects your boundary, you know where they stand and can respect their forthrightness, as opposed to the snake who lies in wait trying to manipulate or cajole you. I like to treat everyone as if they’re creative, resourceful, and whole.

Whether they accept, decline, or counteroffer your boundary, you and they are responsible for the consequences. And consequences there must be. Or why the fuck have a boundary? Reward the people who honor your boundaries, with loyalty and respect, and stay away from those who don’t. The math isn’t complex here, as Oprah Winfrey has famously said, When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

A word of advice here. Someone not accepting your boundary really isn’t personal. I know that sounds odd. It is a rejection of the boundary, not necessarily you. There are also a zillion reasons why someone might reject a boundary that has more to do with that person than it does you. Don’t make this personal when it isn’t.

I know some of you will reject this notion, and that’s fine. But here’s what you gotta know. Two things can be true at the same time. I know in this fast food instant gratification culture we have devolved into, complex thinking can be a pain in the ass, but it’s no less true. Someone can love you and decide their needs are simply more important than having you in their life.

So they choose the consequence of having a lesser role in or not being in your life at all. Can you see the distinction? Let me give you an example, if you are with a partner that won’t consider IVF at all, I mean, won’t budge, and let’s say their low sperm count is the issue, so the best possible scenario for you is IVF if you want to have a baby, and you know you want to have a baby.

And you also know you’re not willing to leave the earth without that purpose being fulfilled. Then can you see how even though you might love your partner, they have set a boundary that you simply can’t abide by. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them. You simply aren’t willing to subordinate your valid desire to be with them.

It’s not personal. You want them to be happy. You want to be happy. The person you’re working with or you’re you’re having the boundary setting with that person simply changes roles in your life And look, I’m not saying that isn’t heartbreaking or or difficult. It’s just a fact. I can hear it already Rosanne that’s an extreme situation Well, sometimes a very extreme example can provide the contrast to properly make the point And certainly there will be way more subtle situations than this kind of an extreme.

But once you get your head around the idea that you have boundaries, enforce them, and can still love people, you will be able to handle the subtleties. Said another way, when you can wrap your head around the black and white situations, you can better fucking handle the grays. Remember, it ain’t personal.

The growth is in the aftermath, and two things can be true at the same time. Finally, no matter what someone does, focus on the love you have for them. It will keep you from making rash statements or judgments you may later regret. That my loves, brings this particular series on boundaries to a close.

Here’s an exercise to take what I’ve taught you here to the next level. Enforce a boundary. Step 1. Communicate a boundary that means something to you. To someone you love. Step two, enforce it and be the wise woman who stands up straight in the aftermath. Third, if you’ve loved this series on boundaries, share it with someone you love.

Text them the link to this podcast or take a screenshot of this episode and post it to your Facebook or Insta stories tagging me. You just never know. This can be a really powerful catalyst to a conversation that changes everything. Love. What you think and believe is the difference between success and defeat in life and on this journey.

Your mind is either propelling you toward the dream or it will be the 800 foot ice wall that blocks it. There is very little in between. This journey is a unique opportunity to prepare for being the mom you know in your heart you desire to be. Your mind can help you conceive. and receive this baby.

Don’t let the one thing you can’t control, that’s your mind, be the missing link. My Fearlessly Fertile Method program is for women who intend to get pregnant in the next 12 months and say hell yes to covering their bases, mind and body. So you don’t have to look back on this time in your life with regret, knowing you didn’t cover your bases.

I work with women who are committed to success. To apply for your interview for this program, go to my website, www.FromMaybeToBaby.com and apply for an interview there. My methodologies help women around the world make their mom dreams come true. Their results speak for themselves. If you don’t have a mindset for success in this journey, baby, you got a gaping hole in your strategy.

Let’s fix that shit and set you up for success. Don’t let the block between you and your baby. Be you. Till next time, change your mindset, change your results. Love this episode of the Fearlessly Fertile podcast? Subscribe now and leave an awesome review. Remember, the desire in your heart to be a mom is there because it was meant for you.

When it comes to your dreams, keep saying hell yes.

Rosanne offers a variety of programs to help you on your fertility journey — from Self-study, to Live, to Private Coaching.