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During her residency, Dr. Caroline went into full blown panic over her fertility. At just 34, she was told her egg quality was basically crap. She later found herself navigating the heartbreak of miscarriage, after her first pregnancy. Learn how this big hearted, super smart physician traded her fear and despair, for joy and peace…and called in 2 miracle babies. This mindset sh*t works.
Transcript:
Hey, Gorgeous. If you want success on your fertility journey, you’ve got to have the mindset for it. It’s time to kick fear, negativity, doubt, shame, jealousy, and the whole clown car of low vibe fertility journey BS to the curb. I’m your host, Roseanne Austin, Fertility Mindset Master. Former prosecutor and recovering type A control freak perfectionist.
I use the power of mindset to get pregnant naturally and have my baby boy at 43, despite years of fertility treatment failure. I help women across the globe beat the odds on their fertility journey just like I did. Get ready for a quick hit of confidence, joy, feminine badassery, and loads of hell yes for your fertility journey.
It’s time to get fearless baby, fearlessly fertile. Let’s do this. Welcome to the Fearlessly Fertile podcast, episode 125. When Dr. Caroline stopped living in fear, she manifested two miracles. Loves, I am so excited to be back with you again this week, sharing another incredible story of inspiration from the Fearlessly Fertile community.
I gotta tell ya, there is something magical that happens. When women make a fucking decision to do something better than fear, doubt, negativity, shame, guilt, and all the terrible things that lurk around on this journey. There is a point when every woman has to decide that she wants better for herself and ultimately better for this family that she is building.
And you’re going to hear, man, I, I don’t know, I gush all the time about how much I love my ladies, but I really believe that you are going to be so inspired by Dr. Caroline’s story because you’re going to hear that this is a woman who, as a physician, tackling her fertility journey while in residency, okay, so super gangster move, how she made the move to get out of that fear that was utterly crushing her.
And look, she had a lot to be afraid about, right? Like, if she didn’t have her senses about her, she could have really fallen into the shit pit. But at just 34, she was given the diagnosis of having terrible shitty egg quality. And that essentially became a fork in the road for her. With all of her training and all of her experience, she could have easily just, like, hung it up.
Really allowed herself to become bitter and and maybe even give up on her dream But you’re gonna hear how she made the decision That she was gonna take the opportunity to do better for herself that she wasn’t going to allow Anything to get in the way of what she knew to be true She even found a way to navigate a heartbreaking miscarriage after her very first pregnancy You’re gonna hear how this woman turned things around at a lightning pace.
She diligently applied the things that I taught her. She stopped making excuses and she tossed self pity to the wind. Be sure to stick around to the end because there’s a plot twist that you’re gonna love if you’ve ever been told that your egg quality is shit. Here’s my conversation with Caroline. Can you believe we’re having this conversation, you know, I mean, now it’s like, yes, obviously this is where it was going to end.
Right. Um, had you asked me from two years ago, it would have been completely unbelievable. Yeah. Well, so why don’t you start us off with, tell these ladies listening, like, how did we even like, how did this all begin for you? And like, how did you and I cross paths? Yes. So let’s start at the beginning. So I will just say to my husband, I got married early.
Like 24 25. So we thought we had infinity years to even think about kids. Um, so we definitely didn’t start trying for, for many years, for several years anyway. And during that time we changed jobs. I went to med school. He changed jobs and actually relocated. We did long distance for a little while. And I turned 30 while we were living in different cities.
I know, God forbid, hitting the 30s. And at that point, I was like, okay, well, we, we should start trying, right? I’m 30, getting so ancient and living in different cities. Flying, uh, cross country like once a month living these crazy lives and felt like that was that was the right time, right? That sounds like a good environment to welcome a little one.
And so we tried over the course of a couple of years. And I will say I probably went from like zero to 60 on this isn’t happening. Oh my gosh, freak out. Um, you know, typical, I had my schedule planned out and I wasn’t keeping to the schedule, so everything must be, uh, must be wrong. And so we eventually moved back in together, um, and uh, got back to life as normal, but still wasn’t happening for us.
So we went to the doctor, and this was probably like three years down the line, but meanwhile, like, Had only really had maybe a dozen really good shots at this happening, but being, you know, data control, everything, uh, wanted to go ahead and go to the doctor, get checked out. So we did and everything was normal.
Uh, so the, the quote unquote, unexplained reasons for not getting pregnant, right? And so, you know, during that time, I definitely focused so much on what was, must’ve been wrong with me and, and already feeling those feelings of shame and doubt and, and really spending a lot of mental energy on what I didn’t want to happen.
I didn’t want to have to get checked out. I certainly didn’t want to ever have to think about IVF, thinking about what I didn’t want to take place. And lo and behold, where I was spending my mental energy is where life took me. Um, and so we went through I. U. I. After I. U. I. After I. U. I. And onto thinking about I.
D. F. And we did our first retrieval. was abysmal. And I was told it was my egg quality, which any woman out there knows is like a shot to the heart. Well, how old were you? 34. And your egg quality is bad. Bad. Yup. Yep. So that’s, you know, that is what I took that. So personally, of course, we all do. Um, I felt like it was me as a woman, a wife, uh, certainly not a mother and, and freak out mode went from zero to 60, but I had no clue that I was stressed during this time.
I would have told you I wasn’t stressed. I was fine I was handling my shit. Um Have I told you lately that I love you like you know how much strength it takes To admit that as women like us who slay all day. This is what we do. Isn’t it funny how our tolerance for cray cray like is so developed? I was so out of touch with what I was experiencing and what I needed that I had no clue that I was stressed during all of this.
I just totally shut down that connection with myself, that ability to recognize what I needed at a given time and just put, you know, put everything else ahead of that. Um, and that was, was second nature. It was just my MO every day. So, um, so we, you know, at that point I was like, okay, well. Egg quality has got to get better.
What am I going to do? And that is when I entered my throw everything at the wall phase, acupuncture, herbs, uh, you know, every supplement under the sun doing, you know, everything I could think of, everything every blog told me that I had to do is what I did. And it, it was, it had no rhyme or reason. I will say, you know, I have nothing against acupuncture or Chinese herbs.
I think there’s a lot of benefits, but it was not, it didn’t. It wasn’t in my comfort zone, and it wasn’t what felt good, but I was doing it anyway. And we went on, did another retrieval, that one did go better, um, and we were able to, uh, do a transfer. And this was, you know, this has been going on and on for that point, but, um, I did get my first positive pregnancy test at that point.
Which was super exciting, you know, experience so much joy, so much hope. And in retrospect, so much relief was probably my predominant feeling. Like I won my ticket off this merry go round from hell. Um, and That pregnancy ended in a miscarriage about a week later. Um, so it was like this super high, like I got my ticket, like we are, we finally did it.
Um, I’m not broken. And then just all came kind of crashing down. And it was, you know, of course there’s hormones involved in that, but it was really a lot of despair and, and And hitting bottom. And sometimes we have to do that, right? We have to break before we decide we’re going to do something different.
And that’s when I started looking for for other ways. It was like there has to be another way through this process. And I kind of Did some self evaluating, got back to things that felt more in tune with me, like exercising again regularly and just doing things that felt good, started meditating. And I think that brought me to you and I found your book first.
And I have to tell you, when I was reading that first chapter and you were talking about all the things you did, I mean, I don’t think I ever did a vagina bath or boiled a chicken, but everything else, I mean, I was right there with you. And it was like, Oh my gosh, she gets me like she is me. And I devoured the book, not how it’s meant to be read at all, but just read it in one sitting and then went back to kind of do things, started listening to your podcast.
And I was like, I’ve got to work with this woman, you know, because I need help, right? I need somebody to help me do this differently. Um, and that’s how we met. Wow. And you know, I have to like, I mean, my mind is blown right now because when I, you said something super powerful early on, I mean, everything you said was bad, like just compelling, but there was something that you said that I thought was really important.
And it was when, and it’s also a testament to how far you have come. When you said where you were spending your mental energy is what you were bringing into your life. Yes. And I, I mean, I learned this, I think in our first conversation, I was talking to you about what had happened and you were like, wow, how powerful are you?
And I remember being like, what, what do you mean powerful? Are you not hearing what I’m telling you? Um, and the more I thought about it, the more it was like, obvious. This is what I’m thinking about. This is what I’m spending all my mind picturing in an effort to not bring it around and go figure all the other things in my life.
I’ve pictured what I wanted and that’s what I was able to manifest. So of course it makes perfect sense that where I’m spending my mental energy is what would actually come about in my life. But yes, that that It was a journey to understand. Well, isn’t it funny how there’s something about this journey that makes it different?
Because it’s easy for us to like, I mean, you probably imagine yourself graduating from medical school, doing your residency. You could see it all up here and, and, and, and you do that. And, but when it comes to baby, for some reason, we just go into cray cray and we think the more time we spend in cray cray, the better.
And what I felt was the more time I would think about success, the more I’m going to jinx it. Right. Well, I can’t focus on that because then it’ll hurt if it doesn’t happen. Newsflash, I felt terrible, right? Like not picturing it made me feel horrible. It didn’t avoid those bad feelings. It brought about those bad feelings.
So you’re yeah, exactly. Right. We think it’s so different than the rest of our lives, but it’s not. No. And I think you raise a nut yet. Another fantastic point, that sort of dichotomy that our, our limited thinking, our mindset. brings into this thing that if I think good thoughts about this, I’m going to jinx it.
But this is why the mindset piece is so critical because having a baby and building your family, Caroline is so different than getting your medical degree, my law degree or anything else that we’re out there doing because this is so intensely our own. And the, the, the role of self worth comes in at such a high level.
And it’s something we don’t want to look at. We’re like, no, doc, just fix me. Yes. Yeah. I think it’s so tied to, to who we are as women, which isn’t something that we spend a lot of time thinking about when we’re tackling our careers and it’s this identity that we don’t usually spend that much time on, or at least I will speak for myself, I was not spending that much time on, and this was such a.
Blow to that part of my identity so much that I, I couldn’t, I didn’t know how to properly address it. So I just didn’t, right. I just avoided, I was like, I’m going to close off this part of my heart so I don’t get hurt. And I’m only going to focus on avoiding the worst possible outcome. Wow. Which, yeah. Wow.
And it, you know, and it’s so, it took a lot of I think it takes a lot of strength for a woman to ask for help, but it takes, I think, even more strength when you are kind of, you know, kind of coming up against your own training. Cause think about that. Like you’re in your, cause when you were in the program, you were completing your residency, right?
Like you were smack dab in the middle of your residency. Yes. And you said yes to, to working with this pink and blue haired crazy that you had read about who steams her vagina. So what was that like, what, what made you take that leap? I think that’s a really important question. So you know, in, in medicine I was definitely, you’re right.
I was in training and part of training is learning to consider every worst case scenario. And so in my mind I was treating myself that way. I was going to the worst case scenario. But that wasn’t working right? Like I had, I needed to have compassion for myself and to be a little bit gentler. Um, I couldn’t just keep approaching it with this type A, like get it done, tackle the next step.
That checklist mentality just didn’t work for me. And it’s not, don’t get me wrong, that’s my comfort zone, right? Like that’s how I wanted to tackle it. And I tried. And the reason that I tried something else was because I was banging my head against the wall and it didn’t work. And it got so, so bad, right?
Like I said, after that miscarriage, it was like, I, I need to feel better than this. I can’t keep treating myself this way. This, you know, if it were my friend and I was watching her, I would have said, girl, you deserve better than this. Stop beating yourself up at every turn. And so I finally looked at myself, I think, through that lens and realized I needed better.
Wow. Well, and, and what an incredible thing to take that stand. And say, not only do I want better, there’s something in me instinctively that knows this isn’t working. Not only from a result standpoint, but even from your heart. Like, I can’t keep doing this, this way. Yeah, I felt so disconnected from who I knew myself to be.
Um, like I said, I was throwing everything at a wall. And I, I talked about the acupuncture and the herbs and, and I have nothing against it, but, um, but I’m in Western medicine and that’s kind of what I know and understand, so the herbs just wasn’t something that I felt right for me, but I totally ignored that and was spending like crazy amounts of money on these herbs.
You know, that’s just one example of what I was doing that didn’t feel like it sat well with me. And I, I just felt like I needed to get back in tune with myself a little bit. So you, you Jumped into this journey with me. So let’s talk about that because I mean, again, mad respect to you, mama, because you, man, I don’t know if you’ve, have you processed this, like the fact that you were so committed to doing something differently, you took this on in addition to your residency, that’s gangster.
It was. You know, it, it was what I needed and it was like prioritizing myself and it’s the crazy, um, I feel like life always has craziness and now I was in a particularly kind of crazy period, but that made it even, even more important for me, I think, to get my mind right and, and get things settled because I couldn’t handle the chaos around me if I was also feeling it.
Like I needed to, to deal with, with what I owned and, and I needed to kind of get myself back to a better, better place. Wow. Wow. Well, what were some of the biggest things that you learned, would you say? Yeah, so I have to say probably the. Biggest thing that has, has had a lasting impact was something I think I glossed over at the beginning, and that was the, the 30, 000 foot view, um, telling yourself your story.
The first time I did that with the book, you know, I was like, I know my story, like, sure, I’ll do this little exercise, and then I’ll move on, I’ll get to the good stuff, um, because I already know I lived it, right? I don’t need to go back through and tell this. And I think it wasn’t until I started working with you in the workshops and, and, you know, got to do it again.
I had to actually talk to you about what my story was. I started to, to go through in my mind and actually try to tell myself my story, take, go to the trouble of writing it down. And what I thought I knew was. Yeah. I gave myself plenty of time. I did all the right things. I did everything to the best of my ability, but I just wasn’t enough and something was broken and I had to fix it.
And when I looked back, I realized I went from zero to 60 on stress. I gave myself no grace during this process. And it just put it into a much clearer view when I actually figured out that stress was the predominant theme of the whole process. Uh, and when I look back now, it’s so obvious, right? We started trying when we were living on different coasts and traveling all the time and in, in super stressful situations.
And of course, that’s not the best situation to bring a baby into, but it’s so hard to see those things when you’re in the moment and focusing on that checklist, getting the next thing checked off, right? And when I, when I went back through and got my story straight, it was like, okay, this isn’t And Something that’s wrong with me or my soul or me as a woman, this is just what was happening in life and like, you know, cut yourself some slack.
It’s fine. Now you just move on from there. So getting my story straight in my mind was, was key. Um, and I would encourage all, all women to, to take the time to do that and, you know, do it multiple times, write it down, tell it to yourself when you’re driving your car or going for a run or something. And really, really See things for what they are instead of what you fear they will be or what you assumed they were when you started.
Wow. Wow. So when you got clear about the whole truth about your story, because isn’t it funny how we sort of compartmentalize? Like you said something about like, I, you know, I just wasn’t enough. I was broken. All this other stuff. It’s like, well, what, you know, that’s only part of what it’s so heavily skewed to the negative.
That of course you might get into a spiral because you’re like, well, what, what am I doing all this for? If all of this is only negative, you don’t even see this other side. Yeah, exactly. And it’s like, you know, and working with you, it was like, well, focus on all these things. You know, what a gift to the future baby that, that I’m going to all this trouble.
And of course, wasn’t giving myself credit for any of that. And we’re so unbalanced when we, we look at ourselves. And so it takes a real effort to, to look at both sides. Right, right. And weren’t you, you did a cycle or a transfer while you were in the program. So talk about that because that was a very interesting turning point.
Yes. So we were working together in the program and I had another transfer coming up and. You know, I think I really had to approach this one differently and I. I think I was able through the work that we did to kind of approach it with an open hand right like not this iron fist that if I don’t do this my life is over and I’m worthless like let me be here to accept what comes.
Um, and if, if this isn’t the time, that’s okay. Uh, but if it comes, that’s great. I’m here for it. Right. I’m, I’m in receiving mode, you know, Oh my gosh. You’re still using the lexicon. Oh my gosh. I love it. I love it. So, which is not, was not my natural state. Um, but I had to switch things and it felt so much better.
It was like a lightness going into that cycle that I had not experienced before. My whole life didn’t hang in the balance. It didn’t feel like I was. You know, having this, this tight grip on what happened and if it didn’t work, my life was gonna end, uh, which is how I probably approached every month from the previous, you know, year and a half.
Right? And that’s exhausting and no way to live. So the whole approach going in was so different. Wow. Wow. Wow. Yeah. So what came after that? Yeah, so, um, so I had a positive pregnancy test after that, uh, while I was in the program. It was awesome. And definitely had those, those old habits trying to creep in the whole time of, of fear, like, Oh, this could have been miscarriage again.
This could end in, you know, devastation. And, and you helped me recognize, like, we’re, we’re taking this day by day. And on this day, I was pregnant, you know, and I was able to just appreciate each thing for what it was. And that was a gift, you know, I was able to really just be here for that little baby while it was in my, in my tummy.
And, um, and it was such a great way to approach that pregnancy. And I was able to be here for that baby for a full term pregnancy. Yay! Well, you know, it’s mind blowing how myopic we can get. Because I think you’re raising another really excellent point, because ultimately, what you were doing, Caroline, is you went from just focusing on the positive pregnancy test, really, to 40 weeks.
Mm hmm. By learning how to take that 30, 000 foot view, learning to look at yourself differently, you had the perspective that was able to support you through an entire pregnancy. You know, it’s, it’s actually, I mean, the tools that you’re, you learn to use and the way that you allowed yourself to transform.
I mean, that’s a gift that you’re going to be able to pass on to your children. Yeah, it, um, you know, it. It worked so well for the fertility process, but it you’re exactly right. It helps the whole pregnancy because pregnancy comes. You think you get the positive test and that’s the finish line. And it turns out that’s the starting line and there’s every other thing under the sun to think and worry about if you let yourself.
And I think I was able to enjoy the pregnancy more. Because of those same skills and those same lessons. And I think I’m able to be a better mom because of that as well. It all kind of starts, you know, you’d start being a great mom for your kids before you’re even pregnant. Amen. Yeah. Yeah. So, and, and learning that really helped.
Yeah, it’s been a great gift. Wow. Wow. And I think, you know, it’s, it just allows you, I think to there’s, when you can look at yourself differently, you can see everything differently because you’re the foundation, right? Like you’re the center of all of this. So what would you say? Like, you know, because you could have easily Caroline, I mean, you could have come up with some punk ass excuses.
You could have come up with. So many reasons not to look at this piece, right? Because you could be like, Oh, that sounds like hocus pocus. My training says this, you know, I don’t have time for that. I’m in residency. I don’t have money for that. I don’t have this. I don’t have that. You could have made all of those excuses.
Every single one of those you could have made. Why didn’t you? I think ignoring your attitude and your mindset is like leaving such a huge stone unturned, right? And I was looking For every possible way to, to bring about, you know, my dream and have a baby. And I was trying things that didn’t make sense for me.
Why wouldn’t I try improve my mindset to, to help, help me help myself. It’s such a big piece and, and looking back, we have so much power with our, our mindset. It’s such a critical piece that ignoring it, I think is a missed opportunity. So for all those ladies who are listening, I mean, you’re in the right place.
You, you have to, to work on this. And, and of course there’s no one answer, but this is part of the answer. And not only does it help with the process, but it helps, it helped me, you know, it helped, it helped me feel better. It helped me enjoy the process. Amazing. I know. Imagine that, like you put it in a way trying to conceive.
Yeah. Right. Which is like, was the last thing on my mind at that point. And it just brought joy and peace. Back into my life, which I hadn’t had in so long. Think about that. Imagine joy and peace in the process of bringing about a life. Right, right. And I think I had to really think long and hard about what I wanted to accept that baby into, like what world, what life, what home did I want to bring that baby into one with fear and, and worry, or one with joy and peace.
Wow, mama, that, I mean, that is massive. Like talk about nuggets. Oh, wisdom. I learned from the best. Oh yeah. Well, I mean, but it’s such a, it’s, it’s such a cool thing to be around women who are focused on growth, women who are willing to ask bigger questions, women who reject victimhood and instead look at.
Ways of, of raising their vibration and improving, you know, at every turn. So what an incredible gift, Caroline, you know, and if you would impart like one bit of wisdom to the women listening all over the world, what would you want them to know? You know, that, that you’re worth doing this better. You deserve better than being scared.
And feeling shame and all those negative emotions, you deserve to have this be the best possible process with the best possible outcome and to treat yourself well, you’re worth it. Wow. Well, I just think, Caroline, you’re going to be able to teach this to your children. It’s just such a good thing. It’s such a good thing.
When mama takes care of herself, she’s ultimately taking care of her family. None of this is selfish. Right. Not at all. And we are so quick to put ourselves last and you know, we’ve got to flip that around. You know, you’re worth it. You don’t, you don’t need to go last anymore. Take care of yourselves. Yeah.
Yeah. And you know what? I bet this is going to make you an even better physician. Absolutely. Oh my goodness. I have talked with, with patients who’ve been in, in hard situations trying to get pregnant and I get where they are coming from. Right. Um, but even, even beyond that, it, it definitely has given me a lot of compassion for, for people facing tough situations.
And just trying to help them see beyond and, and to work through it. Oh, wow. Well, it was so kind and generous, Caroline, for you to share your story and inspire. It’s going to, I think this is going to touch so many women’s lives. So thank you for sharing that with us. Yeah, it was my pleasure. So good to see you again.
Can I, can I share the one last piece of the story? Absolutely. Please. So a month ago, I was actually scheduled to meet with my REI again to think about having baby number two. And my husband and I decided to cancel that appointment because we wanted to, to give it another try naturally. And the old saboteurs definitely cropped up and made me nervous about doing that because with COVID, I’m sure a lot of your ladies know it’s hard to get appointments these days.
Um, but we canceled the appointment and decided to just try and see what happens. Um, and that was, that was in May. Um, and we actually just got a positive pregnancy test last week, which, um, is the first ever time that I have, uh, gotten pregnant naturally and yeah. Caroline, think about, oh my God, think about what you did.
You said I’m gonna do this. We’re gonna cancel this appointment. We’re gonna trust ourselves. We’re gonna give this a chance and you’re pregnant naturally for the first time. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So, um, so don’t doubt yourselves, ladies. You can do it. Oh my gosh, woman. You saved the best for last. Yeah. Oh, we are more powerful than we think, aren’t we?
Yes. Yeah. Yeah, it has been a learning process, but it is a lesson well learned and worth learning. Holy shit. Yeah. Caroline. Okay. Now you just like made my day. You can make everybody’s day listening to this. Thank you for your kindness. Thank you for your generosity. Thank you for the humility and, and, and true love for other women.
By sharing all of this, your, your first baby and now your second baby on the way, like you’re going to get, we’re sent, we’re all sending you so much love from around the world, woman. So thank you for that. Thank you. It was so fun. And I’m sending all that love right back to everybody listening. Um, then.
Roseanne, you are a gift. Thank you for everything you do. Oh my gosh, it’s my pleasure. I mean, that’s what I say is the way that I show gratitude is by showing the way. So thank you. It has been an honor to be part, a part of your life and go loves, loves, loves. You cannot tell me after listening to Dr.
Caroline’s story that you are not Super jazzed, super pumped, and even more convinced and committed about this whole mindset thing. As you heard her say, this was a critical piece of bringing all of the beautiful puzzle pieces together to help her find success on her fertility journey. She finally succeeded with IVF, and she finally got her wish of getting pregnant naturally.
This is how powerful we can all be when we bring the power of the mind body connection together. You are way more powerful than you think, mama. And you know what? With the generosity of so many fearlessly fertile ladies coming on here and sharing their stories and cheering you on, I know that if you feel this in your heart, you’re like, Oh yeah, fuck yeah, I’m, I, it’s time for me to be fearlessly fertile.
You have an opportunity for me to teach you exactly what I taught Dr. Caroline. My fearlessly fertile method program is for women who intend to get pregnant in the next 12 months, just like Caroline. I work with women who are committed to success. To apply for your interview for this program, go to my website, www.FromMaybeToBaby.com and apply for an interview there. My methodology has helped women around the world make their mom dreams come true. Their results speak for themselves. Love, if you don’t have a mindset for success on this journey, you have a gaping hole in your strategy, baby! It’s a huge piece of the fertility puzzle.
We gotta fix that shit. It’s And set you up for success. Till next time, change your mindset, change your results. Love this episode of the Fearlessly Fertile podcast. Subscribe now and leave an awesome review. Remember the desire in your heart to be a mom is there because it was meant for you. When it comes to your dreams, keep saying hell yes.