EP171 What To Do When Your Partner Isn’t Doing “Their” Part

This post was authored by Rosanne on Rosanne Austin.

While we know TTC is a team effort—in one way or another—there are times when it feels like you are a one woman band. If you are in a couple and it seems like your partner isn’t quite keeping up with the program, I am posing two provocative questions that you’ve got to get answered—not […]

The post EP171 What To Do When Your Partner Isn’t Doing “Their” Part appeared first on Rosanne Austin.

Hey Gorgeous, if you want success on your fertility journey, you’ve got to have the mindset for it. It’s time to kick fear, negativity, doubt, shame, jealousy, and the whole clown car of low vibe fertility journey BS to the curb. I’m your host, Roseanne Austin, fertility mindset master, former prosecutor and recovering type A control freak perfectionist.

I use the power of mindset to get pregnant naturally and have my baby boy at 43. Despite years of fertility treatment failure, I help women across the globe beat the odds on their fertility journey. Just like I did get ready for a quick hit of confidence, joy, feminine badassery, and loads of hell. Yes.

For your fertility journey, it’s time to get fearless, baby, fearlessly fertile. Let’s do this. Welcome to the fearlessly fertile podcast episode 171. What to do when your partner isn’t doing their part. Hey loves, I am delighted to be here with you this week and you know, this week’s topic came up as a question that was presented to my team and I think it’s a really good one to answer.

It is kind of thorny though. So you know, as we get into this conversation about what to do when your partner isn’t quote unquote doing their part, I want you to take a deep breath and just hear me out on this What I’m going to be sharing with you is probably more direct and perhaps a wee bit less romantic than a lot of people probably tend to look at their relationships.

It isn’t better or worse, I just think it’s a much more direct and to the point And really down to brass tacks way of looking at relationships. And I think that this idea doesn’t just limit itself to our intimate relationships and partnerships, marriages, whatever situation you’re in. But I do think that there has some universal application to any meaningful relationship that you have in your life.

I think one of the reasons why we find ourselves in the proverbial pickle. In our relationships is because we haven’t really been taught how to speak in a really precise and concise way about what we want, while at the same time not making up stories about what it means if other people don’t agree with us.

You know, and we see that a lot in our culture. Now, there’s a lot of fucking weird need to cancel each other. Like if somebody doesn’t agree, you know, it’s like, here’s a 15 page email that you’re going to get. If somebody doesn’t agree with what you say, or people are super hyper vigilant and just also ready to be fucking offended.

It’s, it’s really, I think, done a disservice When it comes to human discourse, and in some ways, we’ve become so sensitive that we’ve kind of lost our common sense, and that’s really the way that that’s the perspective, actually, that I come to about a lot of these subjects, particularly in relationships, you know, I love the Hallmark channel just as much as anyone else when I just want to sit with a glass of wine and zone the fuck out for an hour.

You know, there is certainly some therapeutic At least numbing value to that. But it’s just not how real authentic adult. Truthful, honest relationships actually work. You know, people aren’t going to read your mind. The person on the white horse isn’t always going to be someone else. Chances are, it’s going to have to be you.

You end up being the person that rides in on the white horse the last minute to save your own ass. And that’s not because you can’t rely on other people. It’s because you’re fucking responsible for yourself, right? As an emotionally intelligent, emotionally mature adult female, there is a point when we have to take responsibility for how we feel, and that’s not to emasculate.

Our male partner or, you know, whatever partner you happen to have that that’s not to, to make them less than I think that there’s real value and power and frankly, enhancement to any relationship when you come to that relationship whole, when, when you don’t live with the expectation that somebody else is going to fuck fix you, but that you come into the relationship with wonderful things to offer.

Instead of expecting someone else to like fill some gap like it’s it’s a very different scenario when the two of you come together as whole and want to each contribute in your own distinct and unique way so that you create a whole that allows both of you to be honored and and and to come to this as equals in a sense.

So all of that lead up to say that, you know, when it comes to being in a position where you feel like your partner isn’t doing their part, I like to approach this by asking two questions. And here are the questions. And again, don’t say I didn’t warn you. They are kind of jarring, but in the end, I don’t care how much you might chase your tail around about this.

You’re going to end up asking these questions. So you may as well rip off the bandaid. And approach these questions truly from a place of love, because y’all know that I am extremely direct, but it’s not because I necessarily, you know, just trying to get under your skin. And certainly that’s part of it to try to, you know, wake you up and really shake up those old patterns that have you stuck not getting the result you want.

I’m honestly trying to save you years of misery, having fucked up a lot of shit in my own life, having turned that around. Build a family and, and have a son, you know, at a time when everyone was telling me it was not possible. Look, I learned some shit. You can disagree with me all day on certain things, and that doesn’t mean I love you any less.

But as an emotionally intelligent, emotionally mature woman, I think that there’s real value in at least given what I have to share here, a listen. So, here’s the first question. If you find yourself in a place where you don’t believe that your partner is doing their part, I want you to ask this question.

Honestly, from a place of love, do they actually want to have a baby with you? And I know that that may rattle some chains and really kind of get your hackles up. But this is a legitimate question to ask. And you know, a lot of people will initially blow that off and say, well, of course they want to have a baby with me.

We’ve been trying at this for a couple of years now and they show up to their appointments and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But if you’re in a place. where your partner isn’t doing the thing that they need to do or they’re resisting doing the thing. This is not a crazy question, right? Because let’s say you’re in a position where you have been told that, you know, let’s say you have a very obvious like issue.

Let’s say that You’re missing a tube, or you have some situation where IVF is actually going to be fairly critical, like, let’s say that it’s not even a borderline issue, but that having IVF is, is pretty much going to be the way that you have this baby and, and don’t like try to act like I don’t believe in miracles, I totally fucking believe in miracles, but the example I’m giving you right now is let’s just say IVF is going to have to be the way you either are missing tubes, or Your partner has a sperm issue or whatever the case may be.

But let’s just say that you have to have intervention at that level for this to happen. And then they tell you that they don’t want to do IVF. Baby girl, they’re saying something. Okay, they’re saying something. You can’t get around it. You know, there are going to be certain behaviors or certain things that your partner is saying to you that is conveying a very clear message.

And you got to ask yourself that question based on this person not doing this thing or not being willing to move forward on this thing. You have to ask yourself, does this person actually want to have a baby with you? And, you know, this could be, like I said, fairly thorny, but you’ve got to be willing to ask this question, because I don’t want you to find yourself a couple years down the road, a couple years deep in struggle, only to find out that this person is not being honest with you.

That maybe they gave up on having this baby like two years ago, right? So you want to be consistently checking in to see if you and your partner are on the same page. And that’s not a bad thing. That’s not like, I’m not suggesting that you have to have this deep bottom line conversation with them every two weeks.

That gets annoying. And that actually smacks of insecurity. What I’m saying is if they’re legitimately not doing their part, then you have to ask that question. Now. It’s very possible that your, your partner might be like, what the hell are you talking about? Of course, I want to have this baby. And you know what?

If that’s the case, then great. Right? Then you know that the person, you know, based on their response, legitimately does want to have this baby. Like, of course, I want to have this baby. Right? But it’s when they hesitate and when they aren’t clear or when they start to put up unnecessary barriers. That you want to pay a little close attention to this, right?

You want to, you want to look a little bit more closely. Why? Because people can talk a big game. People can say all kinds of crazy shit that they want. Oh yeah, I want to do this. Oh yeah, I want to do that. But they don’t end up doing the thing that they need to do. Okay? So, first question. Does this person, your partner, husband, wife, otherwise, Want to actually have a baby with you.

And what I’m encouraging you to do here is don’t just try to answer this question in your head. Go find out from your partner. Okay? If you’re partnered, go find out from your partner. Ask them straight up. And then watch their response. And I strongly encourage you to ask this question, not in a destructive way, not in an accusatory manner, but take a second and say, You know what, babe?

Look, I love you. I really want to have this baby. I want to know if you want to have this baby, too, because there’s going to be certain things that we need to do based on our circumstances, our unique situation that we’re going to need to address, and it’s not helping us to not do those things, and I’ve been asking you to do them, and you’re just not doing them, so I just need to know.

Do you actually want to have this baby? See, and if you listen to the way that I said that, it’s actually not confrontational. You may think inside of you that that’s pretty fucking confrontational, but chances are you might have been dancing around this issue a little bit. So and when we are really pushing up against our terror barrier, you know, when we’re asking for what we want or when we’re really like to the point where we want to know truth from our partner, look, it can be super.

Anxiety inspiring is what I would say, but that doesn’t mean it’s confrontational and it doesn’t mean that they’re bad, okay? And that’s another thing that I want to make sure that I’m emphasizing here. When you’re asking these questions, this isn’t about making the other person wrong, nor is it about making you wrong.

It’s actually about finding truth. Okay, because you and your partner, if you are partnered, you’re each having, you know, your own unique experience. Yes, this is something you do together, but you’re each having an individual experience. So having the guts to ask these serious questions is not about trying to drop an A bomb right in the center of your relationship.

But it is about getting the situation unfucked because if the two of you are at odds or you’re legitimately in a place where you don’t think that your partner’s on board, you may as well find out this information now, right? So that’s the first question. What to do when your partner isn’t doing their part.

You want to get to the bottom line. Do they actually want to have a baby with you? 9. 99999 times out of 10. They do. Chances are they wouldn’t have been on this journey as long as you have been on this journey. If they weren’t at least serious, but there are going to be a percentage of you for whom you may find out some information that may be a little unsettling, but here’s the deal.

Okay. You’re going to find out anyway, and you may as well face it. That’s what we do when we really love and respect ourselves. We don’t dick around with waiting for somebody else to dictate our future. You get to the bottom line, you love yourself, you love your vision for your family enough to just go ask a loving question.

And even if you don’t get the answer you want, here’s the deal. When you really love somebody, I think Sting said this, you know, when you really love someone, you set them free. Because if they don’t want to have a baby with you, You don’t want to have a baby with them, and it’s not about being, you know, tit for tat.

It’s about being a good mom. You want to find your, your child a parent that you’re going to be able to co parent with, right? It’s about your family. So just keep that in mind. So that’s the first question. The second question, presuming that they, in fact, do want to have a baby with you, Is to ask, you’re going to first ask this question of yourself, but then you’re going to ask it of them because it’s really important that you take your partner’s perspective into account.

Okay, so here’s the question. What to do when your partner isn’t doing their part? The second piece is, is there more than one way to address the problem other than what you’ve proposed? So let me give you an example of what I mean. Once you find out that your partner does want to have a baby with you, and you think that they’re not doing their part because they’re not on a vegan diet, they’re, you know, wearing tight underwear, or whatever it is, okay?

Like, we as women, you know, we can go overboard on this stuff. And I say that in a loving way, having steamed my vagina and boiled black chickens. I know a little something about going overboard. But sometimes we expect our partners to be exactly like us, to pursue our fertility in the same militaristic way when oftentimes they’re kind of a little more nonchalant, right?

And just because your partner isn’t avoiding alcohol, isn’t on a strictly dairy free, soy free, gluten free, joy free diet like you are, that doesn’t mean that they aren’t doing their part. Like, is there another way for them to contribute without doing it to the extreme that you are, right? Like, Look, when you’re building a family, you are taking your, you have to take your partner into account.

What is their personality? Like, is the thing they love the most in the world cookies and milk? Like, I don’t know. That was, that was my husband’s thing and still is. There was no way in fucking hell I was ever going to ask him to give up cookies and milk. Because, you know, and that actually goes up against a saboteur that a lot of us have.

We think that, oh my gosh, if I’m not perfect, I’m not going to have this baby. Or that having this baby necessarily has to be hard, so I’m going to make everything hard work, right? I have to give up everything to show how committed I am. Well, that’s not always the case. So, you, as Mama Bear, hey, sister, rock on, do all the things that you know feel good to you, that make you feel like you’re taking control of your journey, and that feel right to you, that honor, you know, who you are, and all that good stuff.

Rock on with your bad self. But that’s not always going to be the case with your partner. And just because your partner isn’t as militaristic as you, doesn’t mean they’re any less committed. Ask yourself, is there another way to help you accomplish a goal that might be more palatable to your partner and honors their individuality, honors their personality, and honors their fucking values, okay?

This is really about getting past your own ego and getting off of this idea that it’s your way or the highway. Because that’s actually not emotionally mature either. And I know that like when they’re, there’s so much at stake, it can feel really isolating. Like, Oh my God, this motherfucker doesn’t want to have this baby as badly as I do, because they’re not giving up their cookies and milk.

That shit might not be true at all. There could be another way to help them optimize their health in and honoring their unique circumstances that doesn’t require them to give up that shit. Right. You know. And a lot of times, like, we think getting on these extreme diets and all this stuff is actually what’s going to bring in our baby.

But having coached women to fertility success for almost eight years now, I don’t really see that. Like, that can, you know, certainly help. But one thing that I see consistently, and if you listen to this podcast for long enough, and you watch the YouTube videos, you watch these women and their faces, it’s when they brought joy back.

When they, when they loved themselves, when they, they got into healthy relationships. When they allowed themselves to receive, that’s all about fucking joy, baby. That’s not about getting dairy out of your diet, right? And look, I’m not a nutritionist and I’m not giving you nutritional advice here. I’m just saying that there’s more than one way to get to the same place.

And if you want to do this with your partner, you want to position yourself to one, be taken seriously, right? Because this is a legitimate concern. But to honor your, your partner’s uniqueness and stop judging them. Because they may have a point, like they may see you suffering and not want to get on that sinking ship, right?

They may want to approach conceiving in a way that feels natural to both of you and really takes your unique personalities into account. Because look, it’s great, you are, if you’re a lovably type A control freaky professional woman like me, You are a blessing to your partner because chances are your partner’s like way more mellow.

So they love that uniqueness So you don’t have to give that up. But at the same time you got to keep yourself Cognizant of their needs so that the two of you can come together feeling great on the path to this baby And there typically is one leader right and and it may as well be you because you’re really organized and really on top of your shit, so Don’t use a standard that you would use for measuring yourself on your partner, because you are two very different people.

So, give yourself the opportunity to explore these questions, because you may find that it’s not that your partner isn’t doing their part. They may just not be doing their part your way, and that’s a completely different conversation. Okay, and you may as well get to understand this about the two of you now, because once your baby’s born, you guys are not going to parent the same way.

You guys are not going to agree on everything, so use this time when you’re trying to conceive to find new and better ways to communicate, and new and better ways. For the two of you to interact rather than being like two boxers in the ring, having to go to, you know, your corners every five minutes because, you know, everybody’s blowing up and, you know, going to extremes.

You get to each have your opportunity to be right, and that’s another thing, okay? You’ve heard me say this before on this podcast. Do you want to know the truth or do you want to be right? Because those are two different things. They’re not always the same. The truth could be that your partner is 100 percent having, you know, is 100%, excuse me, committed to having this baby.

They, the truth is they don’t want to do it your way. Okay. That doesn’t make them wrong. That doesn’t make you wrong. That just opens up an opportunity for negotiation and adult communication. Emotionally open and elevated conversation. So this is what I want to share with you this week. And like, look, this is a learning opportunity for everyone.

This is a, this is an opportunity for you to get out of your own ego. This is an opportunity for them to get out of their ego and for the two of you to get squarely set back and focused on the thing that really matters. You’re trying to have a baby. This is a great time in your life. The two of you love each other enough to want to have a baby.

So give yourselves the chance to be heard, understood, and seen in this process. And, and just because you disagree. doesn’t mean that you have to cancel each other out. Don’t get into that mess. We’ve got enough of that going on in the world, and it creates so much division when there’s no reason for that.

Everybody, you know, that is living on this planet, they just want love, man, and they want to expand that love. So don’t create unnecessary barriers. If you don’t feel like your partner is doing their part, ask yourself, do they actually want to have a baby with you? Assuming that’s a yes, give them the benefit of the doubt and ask, is there another way for the two of you to accomplish this goal that takes their interests and their concerns into account and that they don’t have to give up everything that they love in order to help the two of you get there.

I’m telling you, it’s going to be such a better experience when you get their hand in hand than one of you dragging the other kicking and screaming. That really sucks. And ultimately, the outlook on that shit isn’t awesome and you deserve so much more, my loves. So the exercise that I have for you to take what I’ve taught you here and shared with you to the next level is go have a conversation with your partner.

Again, you are well advised to not approach these questions in an accusatory way, but in a loving and truly concerned way, look dude, or look lady, do we want to have this baby or not? And just be open, just be open. Okay. And assuming the answer to that question is yes, then say, Hey, here’s the issue that we have.

What is your solution to getting there? How can we make this happen? Because we know that we need to either improve your sperm count or or we need to improve our overall health. How do you propose that we get there? Okay, you never know. You might hear some amazing response from your partner that just blows your mind.

So go give this a shot today. Ladies go Run with this take responsibility for your own happiness on this journey and get the questions answered because you know I’ve coached enough enough women to know that sometimes your Insecurity about whether or not your partner really wants this baby can can eat away at you So so just rip the band aid off and find out and then have the peace of mind that comes From knowing that, yeah, actually they do want to have this baby, they just don’t want to do it necessarily your way.

They are super committed, they super fucking love you, but they don’t necessarily want to do it your way. And just be open. Be open to what unfolds. And look loves, sometimes asking hard, provocative questions is just part of being fearless. And if you want to think, believe, and take action like the woman who succeeds on this journey, my Fearlessly Fertile Method program is for women who intend to get pregnant in the next 12 months.

Say hell yes! To covering their bases, mind and body. So you don’t have to look back on this time in your life with regret. I work with women who are committed to success. To apply for your interview for this program, go to my website, www.FromMaybeToBaby.com and apply for an interview there. My methodology is to help women around the world make their mom dreams come true.

Their results speak for themselves. If you don’t have a mindset for success on this journey, baby, you gotta keep it whole in your strategy. Let’s fix that shit and set you up for success. Till next time, change your mindset, change your results. Love this episode of the Fearlessly Fertile podcast?

Subscribe now and leave an awesome review. Remember, the desire in your heart to be a mom is there because it was meant for you. When it comes to your dreams, keep saying hell yes.

Rosanne offers a variety of programs to help you on your fertility journey — from Self-study, to Live, to Private Coaching.