EP187 From Recurrent Miscarriage to Twins…Naturally: Ellie’s Story

This post was authored by Rosanne on Rosanne Austin.

People often think that seeing those coveted two lines on your pee-stick will end the fear, negativity, and doubt that we all struggle with on this journey. Not. Even. Close. It’s just the beginning…and my beloved Ellie is living proof.  When Ellie came to me, her issue wasn’t getting pregnant—it was STAYING pregnant. Learn how […]

The post EP187 From Recurrent Miscarriage to Twins…Naturally: Ellie’s Story appeared first on Rosanne Austin.

Hey Gorgeous, if you want success on your fertility journey, you’ve got to have the mindset for it. It’s time to kick fear, negativity, doubt, shame, jealousy, and the whole clown car of low vibe fertility journey BS to the curb. I’m your host, Roseanne Austin, fertility mindset master, former prosecutor and recovering type A control freak perfectionist.

I use the power of mindset to get pregnant naturally and have my baby boy at 43. Despite years of fertility treatment failure, I help women across the globe beat the odds on their fertility journey, just like I did. Get ready for a quick hit of confidence, joy, feminine badassery, and loads of hell yes for your fertility journey.

It’s time to get fearless, baby. Fearlessly fertile. Let’s do this. Welcome to the Fearlessly Fertile Podcast, episode 187. From recurrent miscarriage to twins, naturally, Ellie’s story. Hey loves, I’m super excited to be here with you this week, sharing again, another, like, just make your heart sing story of triumph from one of my amazing ladies.

Now, there are two very important and distinct reasons why this episode is definitely one that you should earmark. And here’s what they are. First of all, Ellie is going to be sharing her struggle with recurrent miscarriage. And it really stands for the proposition that, you know, most of us are running around, whether we care to admit it or not.

So many of us on this journey at one point or another were running around with the idea that okay, once I get my positive pregnancy test, once I see those two coveted lines, all my problems are going away, right? This is, I’m going to have my sound of music moment in the middle of some big box store because I finally got to this place.

What Ellie is going to be sharing, she is underscoring something that so many women who have Succeeded on this journey, finally came to grips with, and it’s simply this. Your positive pregnancy test is just the beginning. It’s just the beginning. It’s just getting started. And I know that some people, you know, initially at hearing that will say, Well, at least, you know, people who get pregnant know that they can.

You know, but the reality is, is what Ellie is really teaching us in this episode is you got to be smarter than that. You have to think bigger than that. And you have to bring the kind of mama bear energy that has you getting out of destination thinking. That somehow, okay, you’re never going to have a problem that you don’t have to think past.

Your positive pregnancy test you really have to be thinking more strategically here If you really want to succeed you got to think past that positive pregnancy test and see all the way down range To 40 full weeks of healthy pregnancy Okay and I’m not sharing that with you to scare you and give you one more thing to worry about this is about helping you succeed and Ellie is so generously sharing her story so that you too can see that so that you can learn You From her experience, this is the generosity of my ladies, okay?

This is how big hearted and amazing they are. Now, the second reason why this episode is really important for you to pay attention to is during this conversation that Ellie and I are having, you are going to learn That she had some really deep preconceived notions about what motherhood was going to be like what she was, you know, the way she saw herself, the way she saw pregnancy, she had some pretty hardcore beliefs that pregnancy and getting pregnant And being a mom was going to be hard and it’s interesting how when we have these very deep seeded beliefs about what’s going to be hard and, and what’s going to be difficult and we start telling ourselves those stories, it is very interesting how we can in fact begin to create that experience.

Now, of course, nobody’s intentionally calling in tragedy on their journey, but we can all agree that it at least will change our perception of circumstances. Nobody is gonna think their way into a miscarriage, right? But it will certainly influence the way that you see things, which is why your mindset is so important.

And one of the things that you’re going to hear is once Ellie really began to address the preconceived notions and the stories she was telling herself about herself, about pregnancy, and about motherhood, boom. Not only did she get pregnant naturally, again, she got pregnant with twins, and as you will hear, is carrying them to term.

This episode isn’t just about recurrent miscarriage. It’s about the whole enchilada of becoming a mom on your terms and allowing yourself to truly receive what it is that you desire. So here is my conversation with Ellie. Hi.

I’m doing well. I’m just Renaming. Hi, so nice to see you. It’s so good to see you too. So we’ll jump right in, love. So why don’t you start off by sharing with the women listening how you found yourself on this journey? I’m ready to revisit all of that because, you know, it’s all a blessing, even the painful things.

So I met my partner when I was Around 30 years old. And then when I was 35, we got engaged and we were planning this big wedding on a remote Greek Island and COVID hit. And so we had to cancel the wedding and we were like, okay, well, I guess now we’ll start trying for a baby. And one thing that I do remember is that from the beginning, I was very conscious of the fact that.

It can be really hard. It can, it may not work. So I wasn’t, I know a lot of women are like, I just thought I’ll blah, blah, blah, you know, have fun with my husband and boom, baby. I never thought that. I was always like, it can be difficult. It can go wrong. You know, we need to take this seriously. And I’ll go back to that, like where that came from, but I’m just sharing that at this stage.

And so we started trying and then about six months later, I got pregnant. Okay. And I was thrilled, you know, we were very happy. I had all the symptoms, the morning sickness, all of that. And then at our eight week ultrasound, the doctor told us that the baby basically was not doing well. It’s heart rate was really slow and it was dying basically.

So she said, come back in a week. And I anticipate that the baby will be, will have passed by then. That was a horrific week because the baby was there, it was alive, but it was dying and I had all the symptoms of pregnancy, but just waiting for the inevitable. It was really heartbreaking. So we went back a week later and indeed what the doctor predicted had happened.

They said there is no heartbeat and we started making plans for the surgery, the DMC. And a couple of days later we did the surgery. And it was all, it was intense because I, I’ve had all the hormones, I’ve, I felt very pregnant, right, all the things, and yet, you know, the baby was, was gone. So one thing I was grateful for though is I got amazing care during that DMC, and I remember every single person that, you know, nurses, anesthesiologist, so many people come to speak to you before, before a surgery.

Everyone said, you know, I’m so sorry you’re here. It wasn’t like, Oh, just another DNC. Everyone had that care. And I remember feeling like I’m in the hands of very caring people. And that meant a lot. So I was always trying to find. The positive in what was going on. So then after that, I knew I needed some time to heal.

So I did a lot of mind body practices, meditation, reading books about pregnancy loss and grief, and I joined pregnancy loss support group. By PSI, Postpartum Support International, which is for all the ladies listening, because unfortunately, miscarriage is a very common phenomenon. It’s, they are online all over the world, free.

So I went to that group every week and it helped me so much process the grief and start to find my faith again. So one thing also that we did at this point was that we adopted a puppy. And that was very healing for the soul. I had read a lot about how nurturing a pet is very healing when you’re grieving the loss of a baby.

And, but I, I have never had a pet and I kept telling my fiance, you know, I read this, I read this. And then on the 4th of July, he surprised me with a little baby puppy. Yes, it was so sweet of him. And the moment I held the puppy, I loved him, you know, and that. I mentioned that on this podcast because it gave me a lot of teachings around all these fears around, well, what if we end up adopting, what if we end up using donor eggs or, you know, all the ways a baby can come into your life.

And I was like, if I can love a non human baby that I’ve never seen before, that I’ve never, so much, the moment I held him, I loved him. Then yes, like if I, however, our journey ends up, I know I will love the baby. And that was a teaching that I got from our puppy that I would not have never anticipated.

And I held on to it and I still hold on to it. But like children come to us in so many different ways, some more traditional and some less traditional. And then. A day after we adopted him, the puppy got deathly ill and we had to run to the hospital and the doctor said he might not make it. And I was sobbing there and I was like, we lost the baby.

Now we’re going to lose this puppy. It was just, it was horrific, but the puppy made it, he survived. And that was another teaching that I got that like. We didn’t do anything differently, right? With the baby or the puppy, like we showed up, we did all the right things with all our love, the baby didn’t make it, the puppy made it.

It’s in God’s hands, divine intelligence, who knows why, but that good things can happen if we’re not like cursed or it wasn’t our fault that the baby died. So already just two days after getting that puppy. I was getting all the lessons and I was very grateful for that. And so the puppy survived, he started healing and becoming like his crazy cute self that we love so much.

And then just maybe like a month later, I was pregnant again. And yeah, so very quickly, my body healed, my cycle came back, the doctor was like, all good. And then just a couple months later, I was pregnant again. We were thrilled. We were so happy. And then just a week later, I started bleeding. So we went to the doctor and the doctor said, it’s either a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy, which would have been even more dangerous.

So then more tests, ultrasounds and monitoring. A couple of days later, they said, good news. It’s not an ectopic pregnancy. I mean, good news. It’s It’s better news than if it were an ectopic pregnancy, but yeah, the baby was gone. It was another early miscarriage. That was really, really, really difficult because somehow I had a, I grieved and healed and somehow with the first miscarriage, I Went through a cycle that a lot of women had walked through before me.

I felt very held by the support group and the doctors and the nurse. Like everyone was like, these things happen. A second one is extremely unlikely. And in my mind, it was like, okay, we had one. It happens to a lot of people, but it will be fine after that. When the second one happened, I was rocked off my.

Like the world made sense before and suddenly didn’t make sense anymore. And that was, um, things started getting really challenging because I started really struggling to understand what is going on here. Of course, as it usually happens when there’s a second miscarriage, all the tests start. Blood tests, ultrasounds, genetic tests, the partner’s tests, all types of tests.

And it was a bit overwhelming, but I, you know, I believe in science, so I wanted to have that information. So we went through with all of that, and honestly, there was nothing they could point to. It was like, everything is normal. So, just keep trying. And it will work out eventually. So that, you know, kept trying to figure it all out.

And, and by figure it out, I mean, just processing everything that was happening. Right. So we, again, my, my body healed pretty quickly. I kept going to the group and kept doing my meditations and my yoga and everything, and we started feeling more healed and we. I started trying again and a couple of months later, I was pregnant again.

And so this time I would say I didn’t have that same positive energy that, Oh, it’s going to work out quite the opposite. I was terrified. I was almost like blocked energetically. I was, I was constantly monitoring for blood. I was really. apprehensive and I would say around the six, seven week mark, I started spotting and bleeding a little bit, which was really disappointing and scary.

And then we went to see the doctor and he unfortunately said something that we have heard before that. I see a baby, but it’s on its way out. It’s the heartbeat is really slow. The baby’s leaving us. And this time around the, the healing took a while. I literally bled for a month. It was a slow, prolonged, my body, I guess, really loved that baby.

And I’ve heard all types of stories. Some women have like a traumatic, horrible bleed and they end up in the emergency room. And I had the opposite experience of like bleeding slowly, like a period that lasted for weeks. And it was. That was also very challenging because my, it was like my body was having trouble letting go of that baby.

And my mind too, I felt like I was stuck in that grief because I still saw the manifestation of my body trying to let go. It was, um, yeah, it was a very challenging time. At that point, I think I felt really, really, really broken, like I felt that even in the groups, I couldn’t find people to relate to me because almost no one had lost three.

I felt like such an outlier and I felt like this was like something is really, really wrong, even though all the tests said that. Nothing is wrong. And I was in, in grief, in deep grief, still doing all my practices. Thankfully for the past several years, I’ve had strong daily practices that sustain me. So I have to say, I’m very lucky that I had that for years and years before this big crisis.

So I had something to hold me like daily meditation, regular yoga and workouts. support groups, even though I, I kind of felt like I didn’t relate 100 percent anymore, at least there was somewhere to go. I wasn’t all alone through this, you know, unimaginable situation that we had suddenly found ourselves in.

We saw different doctors, obviously at this stage we were talking to reproductive endocrinologists. Everyone had like different thoughts and approaches. Some suggested IVF to do genetic testing of the babies, the embryos before implanting them. Maybe that was the reason. Others were like, just keep trying and it’s a numbers game.

One suggested I do another surgery called hysteroscopy where They go in the uterus to see what’s going on there. So I decided to do that because it was almost the last diagnostic test that we hadn’t done. Cause it’s quite invasive. You have to go under anesthesia and they scrape the uterus a little bit to get some of the, to see what’s going on there.

If there’s an infection or something. And, but I said, okay, listen, I’ve been through all of this. Like it’s one more thing. I’m going to do it and get all the information. And that too was kind of inconclusive, like, Oh, maybe we saw like, maybe there is a little bit of something, but like 80 percent of women have it anyway, so it’s like, it’s not, it’s not really a thing.

And that’s, that’s where I found myself, basically, at the end of that very traumatic year, all of that happened within a year. That’s another thing that sometimes I have trouble wrapping my head around like all of that happened within a year so much loss and grief, and it was a really challenging time.

And that’s when I think I decided to join your program, right around that time. And the rest is history, yeah. Right, right. Well, so what made you, I mean, this is, having been through I mean, you really highlight something I think that more women need to hear is that every individual situation is so different and there is a point where we all kind of start to feel like outliers.

We start to like, you know, we kind of, you know, with every step that we take, sometimes we end up pulling away from what we thought was going to happen and something very different ends up unfolding. And then the question becomes. Wow. What do I do now? Right? Because, you know, you were in a support group with women that maybe had one miscarriage, possibly two, but you were entering into a world that is like three in a row.

And like, what do you even do with that? So what made you want to turn to mindset, especially like this stuff, because it’s interesting that you turn to that, like, which is probably often the polar opposite of what you would typically find in a support group, just in case anyone was curious that whether or not this program is like a support group.

Not quite. It’s exactly the opposite. Yes. So I have been following your podcast for many, many months, and I thought you had a unique perspective. I felt like you were yelling at me at the podcast. And then when I did the, your program, I think you were yelling at me for eight weeks, lovingly, but like, it was what I would tell my fiance, like, Rosa, I yelled at me again, but in a good way.

And even in your emails, you would have, like, all caps, like, shoot on that. When I was, like, not getting something, and you wanted to push me to get it. So, and I, I thought that was very unique. Because not a lot of people have the guts to do that, when, especially when faced with, with tragedies, like losing multiple babies, or many of the other ladies have gone through really difficult, difficult things.

Most support groups or therapists, of course, focus on like nurturing and comforting and all of that. And that is very useful. So, of course, I had my therapist and the support group was very helpful. But I felt like I needed someone to yell at me, lovingly. And be like, I Tell me something different and force me to think differently.

And I would hear that in, in your podcast. And I liked the feelings that would get caused in me listening to your podcast. Like often I would, I would feel pissed off at something you would say, but also hopeful it would make me think it would make me be like, how dare she say, but like, Oh yeah, I see her point.

And I love all those things that were happening in my brain when interacting with your content. So I felt, well, what could I get by interacting with this person live when she can also reflect back what she’s hearing from me? And I feel like I was correct in my assessment because that’s exactly what I got, including the yelling.

But yeah, from day one, I got that, that pushback. I needed that pushback because even, and friends and family and everyone, you know, you have one miscarriage. It’s very common. It’s going to be okay. You have to have at three, like no one said a word anymore. Like they couldn’t even find words to say to me.

Right. And it’s like that silence. And I felt with you that you wouldn’t be silent. You would have things to say. Yeah. So that’s what attracted me to your program and your approach to things. while also continuing all the other things. So I continued to see my therapist. I continued to go to the group. I continued with my meditation and my Buddhist studies and all of that.

So I never thought that like, Oh, now I’m abandoning everything else. I’m just going to do. And I know that that’s not the philosophy that you preach because you are very eclectic and you pull from 50 different philosophical and theoretical backgrounds. And You know, I love that. I thought it would be a great addition, and I think it really was.

Well, so what was it that you started to notice in yourself because you’re exactly right, you know, this idea that it’s either or, you know, is it’s black and scarcity, it’s, it’s about, and it’s about intelligently using different tools for different reasons. Right. Like when, when you want to be nurtured, you’re going to go one place, you know, when, when you want to meditate, you’re going to go to another, but when you want a righteous butt kicking to get you thinking again and to snap out of the pattern, that’s where you come.

So what did you start noticing in you? Yeah, I’m looking at my phone cause I took some notes because I want to be specific so that the ladies listening could. You know, hopefully hear something that inspires or maybe very thoughtful of you. Yeah. Provoke something because that’s how I felt when listening to all the ladies that came before me.

So basically I, so I started your program and, and the, we have the realization started hitting me very quickly. The first big one was Looking very critically at the messages I got through childhood and young adulthood growing up in Greece. So I’m originally from Greece and I moved to the States 10 years ago by myself.

Like, hello world. I arrived. So everyone is back there. And thinking of the women in my family, they are amazing. Like the women in my family are incredible. They’re all either like MD or PhD or nursing degrees or architect and Also, shout out to the men. They’re also very accomplished family men, like care for their families.

But, and since a very young age, I started noticing that the women would be truly overburdened with their very demanding careers. Again, doctors, nurses, lawyers, and, and the childcare and home care and all of that. Since a very young age, I started asking those questions like, Auntie, you know, you’re a doctor.

Uncle is a doctor. Why do you always cook and do the dishes and you look exhausted? Or, you know, Mommy, why, why, you know, do you have to do X or Y? That doesn’t seem right. And, and then like, Try explaining to a five year old the nature of the patriarchy and gender roles. And this kept escalating basically, cause I kept asking, not getting questions.

And then as I started growing older, I started proclaiming and declaring what I would do when I grow up. Well, when I grow up, I’ll be, you know, a judge, a lawyer, a politician, but also my husband will 50 50, he will clean, I will cook, this and that, and just telling everyone how, like, I’m gonna do it differently.

And now you can imagine that everyone dealing with their own challenges, let’s put it that way, around the system. And then you have a little kid acting like they are gonna change the system. So they started saying, That’s not gonna work. Oh, you think that’s so easy. Well, if you do that, you know, things and the statement started getting worse and worse.

Your husband will leave you. So and so did it. And her husband cheated on her. So and so did it. And her kids are drug addicts, because if the mother isn’t at home, the kids, blah, blah, blah, then I would say, Oh, I love, you know, the German chancellor is a woman. Well, she never had children. So any successful women, I would point to.

It was like, well, but she never had children, which again, maybe two generations prior. ’cause like if someone in the eighties was already at the top of the industry, they were, would have been born, I don’t know, in the thirties. So maybe they did have to sacrifice having a family to make it to the top, but that doesn’t mean that in 2000 I would have to do the same.

But that’s how they were talking to me. This kept escalating as the years went by. And I remember I was 14 years old and I was telling my best friend’s mom. My opinions again, how like I will split everything with my husband. I will have this career and that we will raise the kid. And she goes, well, I pity your future children because you will be a terrible mother.

And I had forgotten that until we lost the babies, basically, I started then putting it together that I have been told so many times that I’ll be a terrible mother, that my partner will leave me, so I’ll be like unworthy of love. And also I was constantly told, you’re trying to act like a man. You’re trying to be a man.

That’s not a woman’s role. You know, you’re trying to be a man. And so I internalized that I’m not a real woman, basically, right? I’m not, and hence I’m losing babies. Because a man cannot carry a baby to chirp. And when I realized all that, and we were doing coaching through emails, like I remember I was like, I’m taking full advantage of this course, like I’ll squeeze everything out of Rosa.

I was emailing you, I was like, this is what’s happened. And so I, I had already with therapy and all of that I had understood a little bit of how like, since a young age, I was told that. Either I’m not going to have children, or if I have them, my husband will leave me, or the children will be drug addicts, or I’ll be a terrible mother, because I’m trying to be a man, and I don’t know my place.

And so I remember you asked me, tell me why you don’t believe that. Tell me why you don’t live by those rules. And that, that was a new thing for me because I had already identified all the crap that I had digested. But you were like, no, tell me now what you believe. And I was called upon to make a different decision and say, everything you guys said.

I, I don’t live by that and I started researching like trying to figure out how I can make the different rule and you know, it really, really helped Roseanne. It’s crazy. I started watching animal shows and looking at those like lionesses and mama bears, oh my God, like these ladies, they’re not sitting there nicely waiting for Mr.

May lion to bring like, they do the hunting. Like with the blood in there, like, I love that. I might sound a little weird saying it now, but I was constantly told that like being a real woman is be nice. And, and I always was like in careers, very out there. I used to be a lawyer. Then I was a journalist out in the streets covering protests.

Then I hosted online shows. You know, I, I, I was always out there. Like. I want to be in the world. I want to have a strong message. I want to make a difference and, and being society, help society, like a human needs to be in the world. I wasn’t like, I want to buy five mansions. And if someone wants to buy five mansions, great for them as well.

I just, and so when I saw those, those lionesses and the mama bears and they weren’t sitting pretty like they were years. And they had so many babies. So I was like, wait a second. If God, the universe, divine intelligence, like didn’t agree with me, wanted to be out there in the world doing stuff, then Gus, God, universe source, higher power would have made all those animals infertile because they are all doing it.

Like they are fierce. And I’m like, you know what? I think that God, universe source, is very much aligned with my vision for my life. I think that these rules were made by men, not by divine intelligence. And I believe that the rules of, of God and nature cannot be broken, but the rules of man can be broken when they’re totalitarian and absurd and oppressive.

And all these things that I was told when we’re lies, basically, we’re not supported by the facts of the natural world. So I was like, you know what? I’m choosing to forgive everyone because they were doing the best they could. And I truly understand that no one sought out to hold me down. They were just reiterating what they saw.

They had seen lack and scarcity and they were telling me that they were trying to protect me in misguided ways, but that’s like not aligned with the rules of nature. So I wrote down, I am the lioness in the jungle.

I did. And I remember I was calling my friends and I’m like, I’m like the lioness. And I was like, New York city subway. You know, before that I would think of like, Oh, look at me. Maybe I’m walking up the subway stairs too quickly. And that’s why I lost the babies. Like all these, not crazy, like all these misguided thoughts that come from.

People telling you that, like, you’re not a good woman and that’s why this happened to you. And then I remember, like, running up the stairs and being like, if that lioness can be, like, hunting antelopes and then she has five cubs, like, I can run up these subway stairs, no problem. Absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, that’s really, because, you know, you, you, I could see what was happening for you.

It was very clear for me. That that beginning to question some of those paradigms and beginning to disengage from them and and make a decision. I mean, you said so many wonderful. I’m like, I definitely got into that head of hers, you know, because of the mama bear energy and making a decision, the power of choice.

and things like that. I mean, what else did you see? So I’m looking at my notes and guess to keep it focused and not ramble. So once I was like, the lioness became my spirit animal immediately, the energy changed. Like it was lifted. I was still sad for what happened, but that idea that I’m punished because I’m not a good woman was lifted.

I was like, and I in fact, even watched animal shows where animals lost babies. And they grieved for their babies, right? And then they got up and kept walking. And it’s like, it’s just the circle of life. Like it’s nobody’s fault. These things happen. We grieve them and we continue. So then the next thing that was very powerful was again, in one of our sessions, I had my hand up and I’m like, okay, so ladies, as you know, I’m here because I’ve had three miscarriages and you go, cut that crap right now.

Like, what? You said, that’s why you’re here. Like, seriously, that’s why you’re here. Like, uh, so you said, tell me why you’re here. Tell me why you’re here. And I said, because I’m growing our family. Yes. And you go, you’re a woman on a journey. And I said, yeah, I’m a woman on a journey to meet her children. Yes.

And you said you’re wearing your miscarriages as an identity. So cut that out now. And I was like, okay, this is done. Like, I heard you. It was another time of like, you yelled at me, but I heard you. You wanted me to stop identifying so much with the traumas that had happened to me. And identify with my vision.

And I was on a journey. And like Odysseus in the Odyssey, right? He went through thousands of things over 10 years, but he made it home. Like it’s, and we say his journey to Ithaca. We don’t say when he got like beaten by the cyclope and this and that. I love ancient Greek mythology. So bear with me, but like we focus, we tell his story with what his vision was.

I’m like, that’s me. I am on a journey to meet my baby. And these are some obstacles that I encountered, but that’s, those obstacles are not who I am. And I wrote that down too, and it became a mantra. And, and I remember telling, like, I would tell my friends that the learnings show us to make them more imprinted.

Because I believe in the power of repetition. And once we say things more and more, they become more real. So. I was, I would tell them that I’m the lioness in the jungle and also I’m on the journey to my children and the energy kept shifting, the energy kept shifting, and then about at the four week mark, halfway through your program, I got pregnant again.

And I sent you that photo and I felt, so again, it was, I’m very grateful that this happened during the program because I knew that for me, handling the positive pregnancy test was, would be half of the, of the whole thing because of everything I had been through. I know most women, they get that positive test.

They’re thrilled. I was like, what’s going to happen next? And I knew that I needed you to keep yelling at me and help me. differently. So I was so glad that we had another four weeks to keep getting yelled at. And then you would say, remember when you would be like, I yelled at the pregnant lady again. Oh, wow.

Yeah, yeah, I remember that very clearly. Well, so and you bring up an interesting point because A lot of people think, Oh, well, once I’m pregnant, all of my problems are going to go away and I don’t need any of this anymore. And it’s like, especially if you’ve had loss, but I think this is true in either case, you’re just getting started.

This is why this work is so critically important because you have a choice. You can spend the next 40 weeks in abject terror, or you can do something more intelligent. Yes. And that’s, that’s what we worked on for the next four weeks. And I remember that like a lot of the concepts I needed another 30, whatever weeks to keep understanding them versus like the lioness and all of that.

They hit immediately and it was lifted versus all of those. I remember, like, I felt that I was frustrating you because you kept telling me the same things. Which I guess is part of like, it’s part of the process. I was asking the same question. I was reading all the books, doing, doing the daily practices.

And I, but I did a few of the tools you gave me. I just use them for the entire pregnancy. The first one was the two yards. I don’t know if you remember when I would get so scared that, you know, something would happen to this pregnancy. You said there are two yards. And one of them is like gorgeously manicured with a pool.

And Jason Momoa, who you love, is fanning me and my fiance is making me virgin margaritas. And there’s music and, and then there’s a fence and there’s another yard. It’s like unkept like weeds, beer cans and chicken run running around . And you were like, where will you choose to go? Hang out like this. We cannot predict the future.

There are no guarantees. But today, where do you choose to hang out? Roseanne, I cannot tell you how many times I use the yard throughout the pregnancy to deal with the reemerging of the grief, the anxiety, the fear that something bad could happen. And I was like, and also knowing that like the yard, the yard also signifies where, how I’ll show up to my fiance, how I’ll show up.

For the life inside me, right? Cause we all hang out in that yard. Cause if I’m in the wrong yard, then I talk to you, like you’re sitting there with me and nothing good will come out of that. So the yard was very, very, um, and I practiced that. And then a couple of weeks later, we went for that ultrasound and.

I remember the physician’s assistant, she was doing the ultrasound and she goes, Oh, honey, you’re having two.

And I was, yeah. And so she’s like, okay, let me measure, let me measure. So she started measuring heart. Yeah, baby A looks great. Baby B looks great. Heart, heartbeat’s great. You’re having two. Like, oh, congratulations, parents. You’re overachievers. You, you, I was, I, I still get goosebumps. Thanks. Like after everything we had been through that, we would be blessed that way by all divine and earthly forms of power and blessing.

I was beyond grateful. And I remember I emailed

Wow. Yeah. It was twins, girl twins. I mean, think about that. Not only did you get pregnant in the program, you find out that you’re having twins. What did this do for your faith? It was almost like what you had told me a few weeks prior that what happened to you wasn’t your identity because look, like all these things happen, like all these terrible things and these blessings, they all happened to me.

It’s like the divine intelligence is there and we don’t always know in the moment why certain things happen. We just need to keep on studying, practicing, talking, praying, you know, and hopefully we will. understand and become wiser. So that’s kind of how I try to understand faith, that, that faith works through action, that I keep showing up and more shall be revealed.

And, and that was revealed. And I was so, so grateful. And more fears kept arising, right? Because the grief didn’t just magically disappear and I kept coming to you and asking more questions. I’m seeing here all the tools that you gave me. Oh, talking to the baby. So when I would get very stressed out, you said, start talking and be like, hi, babies.

I’m your mommy. This is your puppy. I’m cooking kale. I’m making a smoothie. And that was almost like a meditation in the here and now to keep my mind from going down dangerous pathways that won’t, there’s no way to predict like life. Has no guarantees, but the here and now there is a blessing. So I kept telling myself, I am a good steward of the blessings.

That was my mantra throughout the pregnancy. So like when I made decisions, like no caffeine or like working out consistently, I didn’t want to say, cause I’m afraid of losing the babies. I kept saying. Because I choose to be a good steward of the double blessing. And I, you know, I try to kind of, I think it conveys that respect and awe without the fear part, being a good steward of, of a treasure, right?

Um, I love the way you say that. I mean, that’s, I just, I couldn’t be more proud of you. Like you clearly took the lessons and to be a good steward. I mean, because that’s how deep this got into you. I’m so happy. Like that makes me, I’m just so thrilled, , because what that says is, is that you understand you’re present enough.

Instead of going into the past, instead of future tripping, you’re present enough to say, I am going to be a good steward of this blessing. Rather than spitting in the eye of your blessing, you’re present with it here and receiving it for what it is now. I mean, that’s a massive lesson that I really hope the women listening to this take on.

I mean, you’ve been dropping bombs this whole time of really powerful wisdom, but I hope that is one especially. That y’all take on. Hmm, I think it aligns with something you say in your book about, there’s really no finish line where like, you’re safe, you’re done, you won. Cause it’s like, well, I want to get pregnant.

Okay, you get the pregnancy test, but you want to get to the viability scan. Then you want to do the nuchal translucency to make sure the baby doesn’t have genetic abnormality. Then it’s the 20 week anatomy scan. Then it’s, will it be preterm or not? Then it’s. SIDS, I don’t, then they’re teenagers and they’re driving and you’re scared something might happen, right?

It’s like, it’s life, it’s life, and I so understood that in this pregnancy because people would say things to me like, Oh, you’re out of the first trimester, now you’re safe. And I never liked that approach because I, safety is not a milestone or a date or it’s, it has to be something cultivated internally.

Because there’s no such thing as external safety. Amen. We, right. We, we walk outside and the bus hits us like knock on wood, like life is life. And so I try to keep saying that. And, you know, in a twin pregnancy, I’ve done maybe like 50 ultrasounds. They constantly monitor. And at the 20 week anatomy scan, one of the twins, they saw something in her heart and they were like, you need to go do a fetal.

echocardiogram to make sure the baby’s heart is okay. And that was hard, hard, hard. And I remember I cried first. Like I went a little bit into my, my darkness, but then I pulled out my notes from the program because you know, every week I was there taking notes on my laptop and pulled out exercises you gave us and did them again.

I spent like an hour or so working things from the program. And I remember the night I, I, I wasn’t like, Oh yeah, amazing. You know, I was still worried, but I found some balance with it that was not accessible to me six months prior. And then thankfully and gratefully we went to the appointment the next day and they did the heart scan and they were like, Oh, this is like an unusual finding, but it’s, it’s fully normal and benign and it’s, her heart is fine.

But it was, um. Another thing that shows us right that like exactly what she said the pregnancy test is just the beginning like all the things that can show up and we need to somehow deal with them. And I practiced the yard that night to I’m like, Okay, if tonight is the last night with my babies you know where do I want to spend it, like, do I want to spend it in the ugly yard or in the nice yard, let’s hang out in the nice yard.

Yeah. Wow. Wow. Yeah. That’s incredible. Ellie, because having the presence of mind to be able to, in that moment, say, where do I want to spend this time? You know, if instead of cowering in fear and running away from what’s available to you in the present moment, you, you stood your ground. That’s like hardcore mama bear.

I mean, I love that. And it’s so funny because there’s so much of this is, this is basically what I’m talking about in my third book. That’s, you know, I’m like, ah, that can’t come out fast enough, but it’s. you know, really covering some of the concepts that you’re talking about here. And so, you know, what else would you want the ladies listening to know?

I mean, especially about this, because I’m sure that there were some aspects of your relationship that you saw. evolve and mature in this process as well. Yeah, I would say, I also wrote down like, because I knew you were going to ask me, what do you want to tell the ladies? And my biggest message is that there’s nothing wrong with you.

Cause if we take what happened to us and turn it into An identity, which is the mistake I made. And then you yelled at me, then that affects to your point, how you show up in your relationship, how you show up in the world, how you walk up the subway stairs, as I was saying, like anything you do, you turn it into a mistake as, as like, Oh, maybe this is why this is happening to me when there’s nothing wrong with any of us, you know, this is just something, these things are things that happen, and if we let go of that identity.

Then the question is, what do we do next? And I think that’s where the work starts. And I, again, believe in the daily practices, like you gave me the books, I was reading them every day, writing every day, gratitude lists, affirmations. There’s an app where you record yourself saying affirmations to yourself, and then you listen to yourself.

Yeah, because there’s research, apparently, that if it’s your own voice, somehow it contacts your subconscious. All the practices daily through the pregnancy wasn’t like, Oh, I got pregnant, you know, and then right off into the sunset because my life is now, it’s like every day keeping the mind, which should be the body, which should be.

And, and so all of all of that. I joined another support group, which was about pregnancy after loss. So I wanted to be around other pregnant women who had experienced loss because I felt they also understood that dichotomy and they were walking the same path of You know, dealing with the past traumas arising while also welcoming new lives.

So, and again, I went back to the things that the notes from the class, I kept listening to the podcast, like I felt like the message I want to give is like it’s there’s no finish line where you’re like you’re done. Now you can stop the work and just chill and enjoy being happy forever. Like I don’t, I wish it was that simple, but when you change the way that you think, which you clearly did, the world around you starts to change and you have a perspective that I think equips you with access to a level of resilience.

That most people don’t even consider because I mean I’m blown away by you sharing what you shared Ellie because like to be able to say if this is the last night with my baby, how do I want to spend it, I’m like, That’s like next level, that’s next level shit right there because, you know, now look at you.

I mean, how many weeks are you along now? 36. 36! Yeah! With twins! I gotta see that bump. Your bump. It’s a big bump. Oh my god! Gorgeous! Ellie. It’s a big bump. You know, I gotta tell ya, you know, and, and I love that you’re, you’re, you’re, you’re You know, you’ve shared so openly and so generously here, but this is why I yell.

You’re an example of why I am as direct as I am in a very loving way, because sometimes we get stuck in our story so deeply. That unless we have somebody grab us by the shoulders, you know, virtually and lovingly shake you and say, that’s not your story. What do you choose? How do you choose to, to look at yourself?

How do you choose to look at this journey? You have a choice. Because you, Ellie, in particular, are, you know, and all of my ladies have this in common. You seized the opportunity to make this journey a blessing, not a curse. And look at the way you get to live today because you did that. Like, thank you for saying that.

I mean, but it’s true. It’s true. And this is very difficult for people to understand sometimes, you know, a lot of people are super addicted to their victimhood. But they don’t want to get out of it. Because they get an identity and, and you want it better for your family. You want it better for your children, because just think about what you’re going to be able to teach your kids.

That’s the hope. That’s my aspiration. And I have to say, you know, you make the decision. See, I’m yelling at the pregnant lady again. You make the decision that you, these kids are a miracle. They are miracles. So your responsibility now is to share with them what you learned. I know that you know that, but sometimes again, see, or, you know, still doing it.

You catch things. Yeah, I love that. I love that about you, . Yeah. Yeah. I’m not gonna let you slide girl, just because you’re 36 weeks pregnant. Are you kidding me right now? This is the time to be yelling. Well, I love that . So, Ellie, I’m, I’m just so honored that you came on and shared this. I mean, I know all, there are gonna be so many ladies that remember you and they’re gonna be like, I’m so happy.

It’s funny because there’s so many women pregnant now, like it’s just everyone’s gonna be like, I remember her. I remember her, you know, so, so I’m just super grateful that you, you came on and are so generously sharing. And I know that the women listening are sending you so much love. I mean, going from recurrent miscarriage to twins.

and a full term healthy pregnancy to healthy babies. I mean, this stands for the proposition truly that if the desire in your heart to be a mom, it’s there because it was meant for you and it can be there in abundance. Thank you for standing for that proposition, Ellie. I just, it is truly one of the great just honors in my career to be able to work with women like you, to see you implement what you learn and to be sharing that with the next generation.

So thank you for that. Thank you for being my great pleasure and thank you Roseanne for having the courage to yell at at women who have been through a lot because it takes courage, right? Because You, you yell from compassion, right? But a lot of people are like, I’ve been through so much and she’s yelling at me.

Right. And, and, but now I see why all these movies with the sports coaches, right. That yell at their athletes. I never got that. Cause I, I was never really, I did ballet. Like I wasn’t really the sports person. I was like, why does Hollywood love this now? I get it because it takes courage for someone to be in your face in that way.

But because not because they. derive pleasure from yelling at you, but because they see a higher potential for you and they want you to achieve that. So I really appreciate that you did that for me. Yeah. Well, that’s exactly it. I couldn’t have said it better. Mama. So go, we’re sending you all, it just so much love hug your partner for me.

I know that this is going to be amazing. Keep me posted. And I can’t wait to see those baby pictures. I hope you fell in love with Ellie as much as I did in getting to know this brave, thoughtful, kind, and insanely generous woman. She took us on a journey there, really sharing so many different aspects of herself and so many different ways.

That her journey changed her from being more open and receptive to seeing the value and being lovingly yelled at. I mean, it’s just there’s so much richness on this journey that I hope that one day you will be able to see. And if you want to learn what I taught Ellie, how she was able to bring herself out of grief and recurrent miscarriage to really open herself up, get past the blocks that stood between her and her babies, my Fearlessly Fertile Method program is for women who intend to get pregnant in the next 12 months.

And say hell yes to covering their bases, mind and body. So you don’t have to look back on this time in your life with regret. I work with women that are committed to success. To apply for your interview for this program, go to my website, www.FromMaybeToBaby.com and apply for an interview there. My methodology, as you well heard, has helped women around the world make their mom dreams come true.

Their results? Speak for themselves. If you don’t have a mindset for success on this journey, baby, you gotta keep it all in your strategy. Let’s fix that shit and set you up for success. Till next time, change your mindset, change your results. Love this episode of the Fearlessly Fertile Podcast? Subscribe now and leave an awesome review.

Remember, the desire in your heart to be a mom is there because it was meant for you. When it comes to your dreams, keep saying hell yes.

Rosanne offers a variety of programs to help you on your fertility journey — from Self-study, to Live, to Private Coaching.