EP54 The Comparison Conundrum

Do you engage in the nasty habit of comparing yourself and your fertility journey to that of others? I will present a perspective on comparison that I bet you haven’t thought about and just may change your attitude about it FOR GOOD. Here’s to getting out of the conundrum of comparison.

Hey, gorgeous. If you want success on your fertility journey, you’ve got to have the mindset for it. It’s time to kick fear, negativity, doubt, shame, jealousy, and the whole clown car of low vibe fertility journey BS to the curb. I’m your host, Roseanne Austin, Fertility Mindset Master. Former prosecutor and recovering type A control freak perfectionist, I use the power of mindset to get pregnant naturally and have my baby boy at 43, despite years of fertility treatment failure.

I help women across the globe beat the odds on their fertility journey just like I did. Get ready for a quick hit of confidence, joy, feminine, bad assery, and loads of hell. Yes. For your fertility journey, it’s time to get fearless, baby fearlessly fertile. Let’s do this. Welcome to the Fearlessly Fertile Podcast, episode 54, the Comparison Conundrum.

Hey loves, this week we are going to take on the topic of comparison. That dirty little, not so secret bullshit we engage in pretty much all the time in our lives, but never more insidiously than on this journey. Let’s just be honest. We try not to do it, but we do it all the fucking time. You may be so good at comparing yourself to other people, you don’t even notice it.

It may be like a reflex in you. And, strangely enough, you just walk around feeling like shit when you do. I say all this with the knowing of a person who would have gold medaled in comparison if it was an Olympic sport. Until I took control of my life by taking control of my thoughts and beliefs, I was absolutely mired in the comparison conundrum.

I call it that because when you are stuck in the nasty habit of comparison, you are faced with the conundrum of never really living your life. You live in a constant state of looking over your shoulder, waiting for someone to slither up and snatch your spot. You live in a constant state of deficit because nothing is ever enough.

Comparison is exhausting because the proverbial goalpost is always fucking moving. Someone is bound to get pregnant, get a newer car, buy a better house, and have a seemingly perfect life. When you live by comparison, you can never seem to catch a break. What’s also interesting is how closely comparison is tied to perfectionism.

Ding, ding, ding! They go hand in hand. So, if you are a closet or out and proud perfectionist, chances are you’re struggling with a demon named comparison. Those of us that are really good at comparison will tell ourselves the lie that comparison just keeps us on our toes or makes us better. Bullshit. When was the last time comparison was a legit win win for you?

When has comparison actually built up a healthy sense of self esteem in you? How about never? Built into the recipe of comparison is a ginormous amount of not enough. By definition, that does nothing for your sustained self esteem. It’s also gross, because in comparing yourself, at some level, you’re also sizing up and tearing down the person you are comparing yourself to.

Undoubtedly stewing over how they’re less deserving than you, less qualified, or how they get all the breaks. Gross, gross, gross! Not long ago, I heard a quote from Ayanna Van Zandt that said comparison is an act of violence. Comparison is an act of violence. It was really moved by that statement because when you take a step back, it is a true and honest description of what we’re doing.

The saddest part about it is that it’s an act of violence that through our numbness to Or our unwillingness to release it, we readily condone. Through our complicity, we condone it. Think really carefully about this. When you compare your fertility journey to that of someone else, you tear yourself apart, and in doing so, you devalue what the other person may have gone through to get to their baby.

You think you know it was quote unquote easy for them, but you don’t actually know that. You know nothing about what was going on in their heart or in their mind. You don’t. You don’t, and you don’t. You might be thinking, but Roseanne, I saw the whole thing, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You didn’t, and you don’t know.

So stop it. What business is it of yours anyway, my darling? Look, we all experience pain in this life. When you’re busy playing judge and jury over someone else’s life, you aren’t expending your energy intelligently to unfuck your own. Think about all the things that come up for you when you get in the nasty business of comparison.

and the violence it perpetrates on you, and the way you size up your life and choices. Think about the kind of disgusting, low hanging fruit thoughts you entertain. Maybe it goes something like this. Fuck! I started too late! Why did I have to go out and get an education and a career? Seriously, loves, we entertain that thought!

And what’s sad is, it’s twenty fucking twenty! Would you really give up how far we have come as women to go back to a time when we’re supposed to be married and pregnant by twenty? Fuck that! Maybe you’re comparing yourself to people who got married younger, and saying, Why did I have to hold out for the right partner?

Maybe you’re comparing yourself by saying, Nothing ever works out for me. Things are always hard for me. Or maybe the way that you compare yourself is by asking the pointlessly idiotic question of why me? It’s fucking unanswerable and presupposes a level of victimhood that’s absolutely revolting.

Revolting. Maybe the way that you compare yourself is how you size up what you think the resources other people have are. Maybe you say, they have so much more money than I do. And then you tear yourself apart for your choice of profession. Seriously? My darling, just as a side note, if you want more money, go fucking make it.

People come here from war torn countries with just clothes on their back every day and start businesses from nothing. Quit wishing and start doing. Just a side note. You know, maybe the way that you compare yourself is, is to get God involved and maybe you say, God must love them more than me, I’m being punished and then you wonder why your spiritual connection feels tenuous as shit.

Maybe what you say is something even more insidious and you, you attack the person as well as their pregnancy and you say, why the fuck is she pretty and pregnant? Look. I am sure you can come up with a jillion more examples of how you lay waste to yourself with comparison. But here’s the deal. In every scenario, in the long term, you lose.

So come on, love. We gotta do better than that. We have to do better for that. For you and this family that you want so much, you’ve gotta break the chains. You’ve gotta quit this bullshit habit of comparing yourself. And look, here’s what you got to know. And I got to do my best not to cry as I say this because I get really emotional and particularly when I say this because it really does break my heart to see what we do to ourselves on this journey.

It’s fucking ruthless and amen to I on love for calling it out for what it is. It’s violence. Okay, you’ve got to know, my darling, precious woman, you are incomparable. In fucking comparable. There is and only ever will be one you. Comparison between apples and oranges is fucking pointless. They’re both sweet and delicious in their own way.

How could they ever fucking compare? Someone saying one is better than the other is simply a matter of opinion. Let the only opinion that matters be yours. Stop fucking comparing yourself to other people! Do you! Value you! Focus on you! You’re every bit as worthy as anyone else. Your time will come. The circumstances under which you welcome your baby will be perfect in their own way.

Who cares if your kids are five years behind those of your friends or relatives? They will come at the perfect time. Who cares about how they come into your life? All that matters is that they come. Your children will have their story. You don’t want clones or sheep. Start living with integrity to who you are now.

So that when you tell your kids that they’re special and to never compare themselves to others, you can do so with a straight face and like a woman who actually walks the talk. Spend your time wisely. Preparing for your baby instead of wasting your life on comparison. Remember, look, when you were born, you were someone’s miracle.

So start treating yourself as such. And now loves here’s an exercise to take this to the next level. Quit committing violence on yourself with comparison. The first step in all of this love is be honest about the current level of comparison you engage in. It doesn’t matter if you’re a keeping up with a baby making Jones’s on steroids, motherfucker, or if you’re just a casual comparer, admit yo shit.

The sooner you own that you do this to yourself and the more Frank you are about it. The faster you will get on the road to freedom from it. Sure. It may creep up every now and then, but when you give yourself the gift of freedom from comparison, you’ll smell it from a mile away and not be lured into its shady clutches.

The second step is to notice the story you tell yourself as you are comparing yourself to someone else. Get to know that story intimately. What is the exact thing you say to you? Discipline yourself to notice when you’re doing it, and be prepared to shout, I will not engage in acts of violence against myself.

I fucking love me too much for that bullshit. I will not engage in acts of violence against myself. I fucking love me too much for that bullshit. And the third step, love. Seriously, this is something we do to ourselves on this journey and off. So if you know someone that could really use a tune up when it comes to comparison, text the link to this podcast episode to someone who you think could benefit from it.

Screenshot this episode, put it in your Facebook or Insta story tagging me. My darling woman, your mama making success begins with you. If one of the things you want is to start thinking, believing, and taking action like a woman who succeeds on this journey, so you can cover your bases, mind and body. I am handpicking only a finite number of women to take under my wing this year.

Decide you’ll be one of them. My fearlessly fertile method program is for women who intend to get pregnant in the next 12 months and say hell yes to covering their bases, mind and body. If you want to learn what I have taught every single woman that has appeared on this podcast, Let’s make it happen. I work with women who know exactly what they want and execute, not make excuses.

If that’s you, to apply for your interview for this program, go to my website, www.FromMaybeToBaby.com and apply for time with me there. My methodology has helped women around the world make their mom dreams come true. Their results speak for themselves. If you don’t have a mindset for success on this journey, you’ve got a gaping hole in your strategy, sister.

Let’s fix that shit and set you up for success. And don’t you dare give up. Till next time, change your mindset, change your results. Love this episode of the Fearlessly Fertile podcast. Subscribe now and leave an awesome review. Remember the desire in your heart to be a mom is there because it was meant for you.

When it comes to your dreams, keep saying hell yes.f

Rosanne offers a variety of programs to help you on your fertility journey — from Self-study, to Live, to Private Coaching.