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We are taking our conversation about relationships to the next level with insight from seven-time #1 international best selling author, Sharon Pope. The woman with a Fearlessly Fertile Mindset doesn’t back down from her vision, nor does she neglect her intimate relationship. Learn why compromise isn’t the answer and how taking a stand for having it all—a baby and a great relationship is a smart investment in your family.
Transcript:
Hey, gorgeous. If you want success on your fertility journey, you’ve got to have the mindset for it. It’s time to kick fear, negativity, doubt, shame, jealousy, and the whole clown car of low vibe fertility journey BS to the curb. I’m your host, Roseanne Austin, Fertility Mindset Master. Former prosecutor and recovering type A control freak perfectionist, I use the power of mindset to get pregnant naturally and have my baby boy at 43, despite years of fertility treatment failure.
I help women across the globe beat the odds on their fertility journey just like I did. Get ready for a quick hit of confidence, joy, feminine, bad assery, and loads of hell. Yes. For your fertility journey, it’s time to get fearless, baby fearlessly fertile. Let’s do this. Welcome to the Fearlessly Fertile podcast, episode 60, a brave convo about your relationship.
Hey loves. Wow. I have had so many women reaching out about episode 59, your partner, do they know the real you? that I decided to call upon an amazing relationship expert to continue this conversation and take it to the next level. In this very special episode, you’re going to meet my friend, Sharon Pope.
Sharon is a certified master life coach and a seven time number one international bestselling author specializing in love and relationships. She helps women get the confidence and clarity they need to know whether they can fix their struggling relationship or move on without regret. Sharon has been published in dozens of online publications, including the New York Times column, Modern Love.
Now, you might be thinking, hey, hey, hey, slow your rollers, Anne. I’m not looking to leave my relationship. We’re trying to have a baby. And I get that, love. Don’t worry. What Sharon and I are going to be talking about is going to help you hopefully never have to get to that point. Remember good old Ben Franklin said it best, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
That’s the idea behind the conversation that Sharon and I are going to have. One of the things I love about Sharon is she’s a grown up. She is a grown ass woman in the way she talks and teaches about relationships. She’s also a bit punk rock in the sense that she doesn’t believe in compromise. Eek! You know that lame and boring shit that so many people tell us we have to settle for that if we are really honest, only leads to resentment?
Yeah, that. She will elaborate on that subject, and you’ll get a feel for why we have so much to learn from this amazing woman. Here’s my conversation with the stellar Sharon Pope. Okay, ladies, I am so excited to be here with you today. I have somebody very special that is going to be spending some time with us.
Sharon Pope. Roseanne, you know, I love you. Yeah, I am just, I’ve got to tell you, I’m so delighted to have you here because Relationships on the fertility journey. I mean, that is something that is just, it doesn’t get talked about enough. And I talk about it in my book, but I thought it was just going to be taking it to a next level to have somebody like you here with us talking about the very real pressures that can show up in a relationship when a couple is trying to conceive or when issues of fertility are really starting to come up in the relationship.
Because. It absolutely. Shakes the foundation of a relationship to the core, regardless of how healthy your relationship is. And I know that from personal experience, but it would be great to get your take on this because you’ve helped so many women get the clarity that they need in their relationships, whether it’s to stay or whether it’s to go or how to, or if they choose to stay, how to keep that relationship healthy.
So I’m just delighted that you’re here. So let me give you some context. Okay. So one of the things that I’ve noticed in, you know, in the lives of the women I coach is that once the reality sets in that trying to conceive is not going to be as quote unquote easy as they thought, there’s a real, uh, barometric pressure change in that relationship.
The woman is looking at herself, you know, if she’s with a male partner, he’s looking at himself. It creates this, this intense sense of insecurity in the relationship. Like we had all these plans, we had all these ideas, are these things going to happen that it really changes the nature of the relationship.
So it would be great to get some of your insight into how couples can really. Maybe take a step back and start to get in front of these sort of issues when they make their appearance in a relationship. What would you say about that? You’re right. It becomes like a pressure cooker. Because there, there’s insecurity for the woman, there’s insecurity for the man.
There might even be blame when it’s not working so well, right back and forth. Even the most rock solid foundation sort of relationships will get tested in a big way. And I think that when my guess is, and you tell me where I’m wrong here, but my guess is, is that once they realize this, they’re Up for that challenge.
Like if I have, if I’m going to struggle with fertility and we’re going to have to do some things differently and it’s not going to come, as you said, quote, easy to us. We’re going to do this and we’re going to, we’re going to be able to be strong through this, but it does get tested. Your relationship gets tested your how you feel about yourself, how you feel about your partner gets tested that trickles down into the connectedness that you feel with your partner, how much you’ll open up to them and be vulnerable with them, how much you’ll let them in about what you’re feeling and what you’re experiencing.
And it most certainly trickles down to your sexual relationship. Yeah, no, absolutely. And it’s funny because one of the ways that I describe what the fertility journey does to a relationship is it’s like dropping an atom bomb right in the center of it because it like scatters. Like, I mean, my husband and I, when we first started, I mean, I married my soulmate, my husband.
I am whole on my own. But when I met my husband, I was like, Ooh, got to have babies with this man. I love, you know, I just was so like immediately drawn and, and you know, he felt the same way. And you know, we met in, you know, my mid thirties and you know, we were both in our careers. We both, both solid. And we were in this situation where we figured we could take on the world.
Yeah. But when we started struggling with our fertility. It was like all kinds of stuff, you know, we started to have to answer all of those killjoy questions because, you know, you as a relationship expert know like some of the critical, um, issues that come up in relationships, sex, money, you know, family, you know, boundaries, all kinds, like, it was like this journey basically marched right through all of those things and tested us on so many different fronts.
And so we found ourselves in a situation where, yes, for us, our love was strong, like there was no question, you know, and my husband told me early on, he’s like, look, it’s you and me. It’s us. And so I had that foundation, but that didn’t stop me from being really insecure for so many years. Like, Oh my God, did he make a mistake?
He married this old bird that can’t produce a child. Like, I mean, yeah, I was an assassin in the courtroom. I was kicking ass in my career, but I couldn’t do what I saw the crack heads. In the courtroom doing like I wasn’t able to produce a child while they would bring in, you know, a brood of six like, well, I tore, I tormented myself at it, you know, and I was, and I later found out that he was quietly tormenting himself about whether or not he was worthy and, you know, is it him is like, it just really, we were suffering in silence.
So, and I think you probably figure, you, you know, as a relationship expert, how dangerous that cocktail of gross can be in a relationship, that cocktail of insecurity. And I would love to get your insight on that. You know, how can a couple. Prepare or or or create emotional capital amongst them so that when they’re faced with this that they can continue to draw upon that capital and build it up over what’s going to be an uncertain period of time and a journey that is by its very nature uncertain.
Yeah. I would, I think, you know, the intentionality that, that you and your husband were able to rely upon during that time is probably what like kept that together and strong and connected for you. So you’re going to probably look for like some, some big action item that we need to take care of. But really it’s like a checking in, it’s a state of the union.
It is a, it is really being willing to talk about the stuff that’s going on within you. Being willing to open up and share parts of your soul that feel really private and vulnerable. But that’s not going to just happen on a Tuesday night. Like, Hey, how was your day? Mine’s fine. What do you want for dinner?
Like you, I think you’ve got to create space for that conversation to be able to happen. And so whether it’s. You know, call it your Sunday mornings or maybe it’s Tuesday night, but there’s like some scheduled time where it’s the two of you are checking in on a very consistent basis with how are you feeling?
What’s going on for you emotionally? What’s going on for you physically right now? What do you need me to know? Things like that. Like we’ve got, like, you’ve got to just open up those lines of communication with our partners and know that like, it’s going to feel awkward. Let it be awkward. Let it be awkward because you will come because here’s the reality.
If you don’t do something like this and you just think, well, We’re strong and we will put all this additional pressure on top of our relationship, and then we will have a baby, and then it will just fix itself. It will magically fix itself. We are delusional because marriage only gets harder once you have a child.
Oh, that’s so true. Right. So now through the process, you’ve become so disconnected from one another. You bring a child into it and now all of your attention and focus goes on that child and definitely not on the marriage, certainly not on the husband. And now the relationship just endures more trauma and you get more and more disconnected and pretty soon the child’s too, and you two are like co parenting roommates.
it’s tragic, tragic outco intentional early on so t this is a, this is a chal for sure. But we don’t ha
We don’t. Right. Right. And I love that because that, you know, I talk about that a lot in my book and I talk a lot about it, you know, in the way that I teach is like, look, we do the work now because your family, this marriage, this, you know, partnership, whatever you’re in is the foundation upon which you’re building your family.
Yeah. And so many people, if, if you haven’t made mistakes in the past. You know, you’re going to say, Oh, exactly as you said this, you know, we’re strong, we can handle whatever. And it’s like, like anything, it needs maintenance. You don’t keep driving your car when it’s smoking, right? You don’t not change the oil, you know, and we have to make those deposits of emotional capital so that.
When shit does get lean, that we have something to draw upon, that we have that trust, that we have that ongoing sense of connectedness. Because there’s another topic of, you know, the sex piece of it. Because for those that are trying to conceive naturally, you know, when you’ve got pressure in the relationship, there’s also this pressure to produce a child in a very narrow window of time.
Oh, right. And around probably the most uncomfortable topic that no one wants to actually talk about. Right. Sex, right? So, yeah, it just makes it even more difficult. And it puts more pressure on. So, if you’re not connected emotionally, and then you’re not connected physically, because we’re only having sex like 12 times in the 48 hours that we’re ovulating, it’s Never again, because why bother?
Like, we’re here to do a job. Let’s do the job. Like, then the problem is, and this is going to sound harsh, but honestly, I feel like we should say it is that you’re bringing a child into a structure where they look to mom and dad for everything, including how to love and how to be a partner. And mom and dad are now super disconnected physically and emotionally from one another.
And the child didn’t have to be brought into that. Like, we gotta take care of that. It really is, like, it’s a, it might be blasphemy to say it, but I’m gonna say it anyway. You do you, baby. It really is what your husband said. Like, it’s us first. It’s us first. Because if mom and dad aren’t happy, what are you, like the child’s just going to magically be happy.
You are the foundation for the family. Yeah. Yeah. And it’s, it’s, it’s such a, it’s a, it’s a tough subject, but I think it’s one that deserves attention because you like, if you allow your relationship to go to shit while you’re trying to conceive and you expect it to magically get better once the baby comes.
Yeah, you’re basically tap dancing on thin ice because there wasn’t enough hair put into the foundation and that basis upon which you’re building the family has not been nurtured. It’s been run dry. Yeah. So how can, I mean, what are some of the ways that you encourage the women that you work with to really assess and take stock in that and be willing to do the work?
Because one of the things I hear consistently is. You know, I’m taking all these supplements. I’m getting all these treatments. I’m driving all over creation to get to my doctor’s appointments. I don’t have time to pay attention to my relationship. Yeah. You know, which makes sense, but it misses the point because it’s one more thing, right?
Look, I have got so much on my plate. I can’t tackle one more thing. But if we go back to your premise, that nothing thrives when you turn your back to it, I don’t care if we’re talking about a child, you can’t turn your back on a child and expect the child to thrive and care for talking about your bank account, turn your bank, like I’m never going to look at you money, but I want you to be there when I need you.
I don’t care if we’re talking about a houseplant, nothing thrives when you put no attention to it. And what I can tell you for sure, most people, when they get married, they stop putting attention into the marriage and they turn their attention to what they want to create next, which might be a family, which might be a home, which might be a career.
Now you layer like some insurmountable stress and the cocktail of insecurity, as you were talking about, you layer that on top of it. And you just think, well, the marriage will support that, but what if it won’t? That’s the thing. Like, I mean, I can tell you for sure. Most people do not contact me when they’re in a fertility struggle, right?
Because they’re focused on the fertility struggle, which makes total sense. The problem is they contact me five years, 10 years, 15 years down the road because they’ve never even recovered from that. Yeah. It’s like, it doesn’t take, it doesn’t take this enormous effort. It takes some intentionality. How about 30 minutes once a week?
Yeah. Right. Like how about just something now make little deposits. Now you water your house plants maybe once a week. Like can we do that for the relationship once a week? Yeah. It’s like compound interest for your relationship. It’s like it, it builds incrementally and you know, it’s, it’s one of those things that I think needs to be said.
And I, I mean, that’s why I’m so grateful to have you here because Speaking in those terms and being willing to look at your fertility journey from a global perspective. It’s not just about the conceiving. It’s about who you are becoming. It’s about what your relationship is becoming. That frankly, I think that the, the best moms are the ones that really get in front of this.
And say, look, I am looking at motherhood and I’m looking at parenthood from a global perspective. I’m looking at my relationship with my partner, my relationship with my body, my relationship with myself, and because we as women are the keepers of our relationships, we get to lead in the home. What do you think about that?
I love that. That’s, I mean, if we start looking at it, not as a burden, but as I get to do, like I get to lead this, I get to be really clear about who I am and how I want to show up in all of my relationships. Because that is, I mean, ultimately at the end of the day, when we’re on our deathbeds, like that’s, what’s going to matter is did I love, was I love like our relationships are, what is so, so important and how we feel about ourselves.
Is it impacts every element of our relationships? So what are some of the ways, okay? So like, let’s say for example, a woman is in a relationship where being vulnerable is not an easy thing. You know, most of my ladies are lovably type A, control freaky professionals, we’re super in our masculine, and when we come home, we are coming into a situation where maybe continuing to operate in our masculine is It’s not a great idea, but I mean, especially when you’re trying to conceive, right?
I mean, that’s what I catch a lot of my ladies doing. We’re trying to have babies like men. We’re trying to get pregnant like a man. So let’s talk a little bit about, you know, just the one thing that only women can do, right. That is purely feminine, but we’re going to approach it with all this masculine energy.
I think so. I am a. Let’s call it a recovering. Very aware. I don’t, I don’t know if I refer to myself as like type a certainly not controlling. I don’t, I don’t do that anymore, but you’re in recovery. That’s right. Um, I need a meeting every once in a while. Yeah, we’re having our meeting right now, but I for sure can bring masculine energy without thinking about it.
It just comes very naturally to me and it has served me in many, many ways. It’s not like it’s a bad thing. And frankly, I couldn’t just turn it off completely, even if I wanted to. Now I can think of it as these dials that I get to play with. Is that I can be in my masculine when it serves me, when it comes to like moving things forward for my business.
Getting things done, serving my clients, like all of that, I can do really well from my masculine when it comes to being in relationship with my husband, that doesn’t serve me. It doesn’t help me have the kind of relationship that I really want. So there are times when I have to like amp up the feminine dial and dial down the masculine.
And it’s all, it’s not, as soon as we get rid of the idea that one is good and one is bad and one is powerful and one is weak, as soon as we get rid of that mental bullshit, now we are all of it. We get access to all of it, but we get to choose. You have to get intentional about it. So how might somebody become intentional?
Cause like you and I understand that language, you know, let’s be intentional. So let’s talk, give them something concrete to work with. If you were going to be, let’s say intentional about changing your approach. In your relationship because maybe you have some suspicion that things are becoming a little stressed and maybe you’re a little bit off track.
Let’s start first with this because we’re just talking about it now, like dialing up the feminine energy. What might be a first step in that? And then we’ll go into some other directions. Okay. So I am a creature of habit. So if I can do something consistently, then I’m just more likely to do it. Like when you and I talk about meditation, like if I get up in the morning and I do that, like then I continue to do it.
So when I am in my masculine most of the day, and I want to intentionally start dialing that down. I might start cooking because cooking is creation and all creation comes through feminine energy. I might sit outside, be in nature, some, like some form of nature. I’m an air sign. So I’m like all about like the wind and the air and the outside.
You might take a walk, you might cook dinner and then take a bath, like whatever it is that allows you to soften. Read a book, but staying in what we often do is I turn off the work and then I’m like, okay, now we need to get these things done. Kids. You need to have like your homework done. You need to get this done.
I need to get dinner cooked. And it’s all still continued masculine energy until you lay your head down on your pillow at night. Right. So whatever it is, like it’s a very personal thing, but I would say all forms of creation, I don’t care if it’s painting or it’s cooking or baking or whatever that, that is feminine energy.
Baths are one of those surefire ways to like get there pretty quickly, but I’m not sitting around in a damn tub that’s so unproductive, but here’s the thing. Pleasure isn’t productive and pleasure is all about feminine energy. And if you think about it, the only way you can allow feminine energy is if you can trust.
Well, if you don’t trust, like that’s the, that’s what’s underneath. I don’t trust anyone but me. It’s got to, if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen through my action. So I can’t possibly trust. Oh, mind blown right now. I mean, and then I’ve got to control. If I don’t trust, I have to control like this is where it all goes wrong.
Oh yeah. I mean, well, it’s like, I just love this. It’s like, you know, we just exploded the onion. We didn’t just peel layers. We just floated this onion because yeah. Yeah. Because I mean, so much of that. The trust, the, you know, all of the stuff is like a critical aspect that you have to have on this journey, you know, not just in your relationship, but you know, about, you know, we’re only focused on the relationship piece, but it touches on so it has a ripple effect in so many different directions.
So it will happen for you. You can trust that all as well. You can trust that your body knows. How to create this. It has known it since the beginning of time. You can try that. Yeah, that’s so, I mean, that’s so true. And it’s like, and I love that you’re really, that you’re talking about the femininity and about being creative.
Because if we go back to the point that we were starting to talk about with you having this window of ovulation and it’s like, get it done now, dude, we gotta make a baby. It’s like there’s nothing about that that is receiving or in the feminine at all. None of it. None of it. So you’ve got two masculine.
debate it like battling it out about who’s going to be more masculine in trying to create what is the most feminine creation that exists on the planet, a child. to just like take our foot off the gas a little bit and relax into it. Yeah. Well, and, and it’s so funny because women hate hearing, you know, just, it’s not that we’re saying relax and it’ll happen.
That’s too simplistic. It’s not that at all. That’s dismissive. But what we are saying is. Is allow your feminine energy to come into the picture because you had said something to me in the past, super powerful, by the way, right? Yeah. If you think of goddess energy, goddess energy is badass, powerful, right?
Like Beyonce is super feminine and she’s a badass. Like, yeah, just a thought that if I soften into my feminine or like we were talking about surrender, like then I’m weak and I can’t possibly be that. That’s not what we’re saying. It’s actually really powerful. Yeah. Well, you, you think about people who are enlightened, they have a softness about them.
They’re not worried about whether or not something’s going to happen. And they don’t have that lack and scarcity cloying energy. That’s like, gimme, gimme, gimme like that guy that really liked you in high school that now needs a restraining order. Like, you know, where it’s like, give it to me, please love me.
It’s none of that. Right. Right. And so I think that that is so applicable to that narrow window of time where we’re trying to conceive where, you know, if this doesn’t happen, it’s never going to happen. And then we look at ourselves, we look at our partners, you know, we get so agitated that it can literally make the act of trying to create a baby, a job, a duty, like you had said.
Yeah. Talk about a killjoy. Yeah. Yeah. It’s just, first of all, let’s just look at it like this. It’s not any fun. You’re not having fun doing that. Like it’s just not, and it’s not healthy and it’s not going to help you create the drip. Like you had this dream of the family when you started this journey, it’s not going to help you create the pieces to that dream on the other side of this.
If you just kind of, if you don’t spend some loving energy and attention on the marriage. Yeah. It doesn’t get easier after a child is born. It doesn’t, because now the child is now number one. Not the marriage, not the husband. By the way, it was something I read. So I follow Esther Perel’s work. I think she’s brilliant in many ways.
Um, and one of the things that she talks about is that children, like babies are created. from passion and babies will be the first thing that will kill the passion in your relationship. Um, but one of the things that she talks about is the idea of touch. You know, there’s been tons of studies on physical, like human beings, we need to be touched, right?
And if you think about it, once you have a baby as a woman, you’re being touched. All the damn time, right? Like, the child is attached to you many times throughout the day and evening. You’re kissing their little fingers and their little toes and their little cheeks. And you’re just like, and at the end of the day, you don’t want to be touched at all.
Like, wow, you’re touched out and your husband is like wanting to touch you. Cause guess what? Men don’t even have the kind of relationships that women have. They might go a whole week with just a few handshakes. Like they don’t hug their friends. Right. And so if their wife isn’t touching, the wife doesn’t want them to touch them.
And now he’s just sort of like out on this Island where mom and baby are just touching and touching and touching. And there, and the baby is now number one. And by the way, he’ll never say anything because he’d be a jerk to say something, right? It would seem very childish. It would seem very self absorbed for him to say anything.
So he just won’t say anything. He’ll just subjugate his needs for the next several years. And then, but what’s going to happen is that he’s going to just drift away. And after a while, that’s when the two of you start functioning like roommates and you resent that he even needs that or wants that from you because you’re like, just, he’s another person that needs something from me.
And that’s not, that’s not how it should be. Right. Because if the, if the marriage was central, if the marriage was important, it’s not that he needs something from you. Right. Then, then you have to protect that. If someone’s trying to take something, you have to protect it. And that’s when we withhold. Right.
Like it just causes all these issues when we just. Don’t get clear about making the marriage central to this process. I think that’s so profound and I’m so just delighted that you’re, you’re explaining it in such a clear way because it’s, I think any woman listening to this. I hope that y’all listening are taking some time to just process this information and think to yourself about how important your relationship is.
And how, look, you know what you’re doing by its very nature is expansive. You’re wanting to expand this love. You’re wanting to expand this, but what’s necessary for that expansion is that elasticity, you know, your relationship elastic in that way that there’s plenty of love, there’s plenty of nurturing.
You’re continuing to go out, you’re continuing to check in with your partner and you’re preparing it. To expand in so many ways, because think about it, if you just had a tiny rubber band, like if we think of the analogy of you’re just the two of you to hold the two of you together, you just need a small rubber band, but when you’re adding a baby or babies, you know, if you’re doing fertility treatments and you may have multiples, you’re going to need a bigger rubber band.
Well, you have to have the wherewithal to be able to expand that without it snapping. Yeah. And if you’re not allowing for, you know, for bigger, better, smarter inquiry, that shit’s going to snap. Yeah. I love that. Expansion requires elasticity. Yeah, I’ve never heard it put that way before, but that makes so much sense.
Yeah, I mean, it’s, it’s, you know, as, as I’m processing this, I’m like, God, you know, we were everything about having a family and everything about your work where it’s like, You know, asking women to look carefully at their relationship. Yeah. I think the question is, will I be happy? Will I have, I know I’ll have the child, I know I’m going to make that happen because I make things happen, but will I have the relationship that I want?
Yes. And I think sometimes what happens is the relationship as we’re talking about gets lost in the mix. And that question about will the relationship be there falls to the wayside until it starts to get too late. Just to your point earlier, and because we love our women, we don’t want them to get to the point where they have to do that, right?
To have to be in that place where, oh shit, I haven’t, you know, I’m, my husband and I are roommates and here we are, we’ve spent all these years trying to make a family and now we’re on the brink of it possibly falling apart. Well, it’s funny. It’s the, it’s the vitamin versus the. Pharmaceutical analogy. Yes.
Now, so that I can be in good health so that I don’t get sick or do I wait until I get sick and then I need the pharmaceutical and then it’s pretty invasive and it’s got lots of side effects and all of that. Like I wish more of us, myself included, we’re willing to take the vitamin because it’s so much easier.
It’s like, it’s not expensive, it’s not difficult. It’s mildly uncomfortable sometimes, like I just don’t want to, like sometimes, like literally, I, when I take a vitamin, I don’t know, like if I take it on an empty stomach, I feel kind of sick for about 10 minutes, so I don’t do it, like, yeah, yeah. And so, you know, it’s, it’s funny because you know, last week’s episode on my podcast was about does your partner know the real you and, and I would love to get some insights from you, especially on, on some of the topics that we, we.
Face on this journey that it’s almost like all of the things that we freak out about in our relationships are, are, you know, it comes out in one issue, right? So fertility brings up all of this money, time, relationship boundaries with family. And you know, one of the things, I mean, it’s like, it’s like, yeah, it’s like, it’s like, that’s why I say it’s always literally like dropping a bomb in the center of your relationship because everything is rock.
And one of the things that I hear a lot about is. You know, women struggling with, you know, my husband’s going to think I’m crazy if I want to go to the mat, you know, I want to do everything I possibly can. I’m taking this to the, you know, the nth degree. I want to do everything I possibly can on this journey.
You know, how am I going to tell him that? What if he’s not on board? What if he doesn’t believe in doing IVF or what, what if he thinks that, you know, all of these treatments I’m getting this coaching, I’m getting all of this stuff is just, he just doesn’t get it. Like, what are some of your ideas about how a woman can communicate effectively with her partner who she really is and what she really wants out of this chapter of their lives together?
Okay. It’s, um, you cannot abandon yourself. You cannot abandon yourself. You cannot abandon yourself through this process. So if that is the case where what is true for you is that you will go to the mat and you will do everything that you need to do and that’s what feels right for you. If you ever back up from that, you will regret it and you’ll probably blame him.
And he won’t necessarily pick up that blame, but through that, you pointing it at him, this is your fault. This is why we don’t have children. This is why I don’t have the life that I want. There will be resentment and the relationship won’t last anyway. He’s going to find out, right? Like it’s not going to be a big secret, so you cannot abandon yourself.
But what you can do is be present with like, here’s how I feel. And how you feel about what I’m, how far I’m willing to take it is actually not my business. This is a big question. That’s why I hesitated at first. I was like, Oh, this is going to be like a hard one to communicate. I love it though. I love it because I mean, this goes to the heart of, of being that great.
woman that took a stand for what she really truly believes, because I mean, I come across women all the time who are like, you know, my husband says, you know, we can’t invest more than 10, 000 in this journey. And it’s like, huh? What if it takes 15? Right. What if it takes, I mean, it’s all of these arbitrary limitations, right?
They’re just thoughts. They’re just random thoughts that like, this is work. Like, so for instance, think about it like this, it’s worth it if I can get it for 10 grand, but I am willing to live the rest of my life without the family that I wanted. If it’s 11 grand, like, no, it’s just a, it’s just a thought.
And so. When you don’t hold so tight to these, everyone is thinking these random thoughts and they think them as if that is law and that is truth. No, it’s not. It’s a perspective. That’s all it is. And so you get to feel how you feel. You get to want what you want. I think when it comes to something as important as a child, we’re not talking about like where we’re going to have dinner.
We’re not even talking about whether or not we move across the country. We’re talking about whether or not we’re going to have a child. If you, if that is something that you will go to the mat for, you can’t back off from that and because you will blame him. You’ll blame your partner, and the marriage won’t last anyway.
And then you, so now you won’t have the marriage you want, you won’t have the family you want, and then it’ll be everyone else’s fault when really it was, you placed so much emphasis on someone else’s perspective. It was just a perspective. He gets to choose, like the thing with relationships. Is that it’s a choice.
It takes two of you to actually be there. The minute one says, nope, I’m out, but isn’t that important information? Yeah. Like, that’s really, before you go having a child with this man who’s like, nope, not 11, 000, just 10, 000. That is my limit. And that is all there is. I will live without this thing for the rest of my life because I didn’t want to, like, that’s really important information.
Yeah. Well, it’s also really important information if you have a partner that is going to put an arbitrary limitation like that on. Yeah, and we’re using that as an example, but I mean, it could be like he doesn’t share your perspective. Maybe he’s very thoughtful about that, but he just doesn’t share that perspective and he’s not willing to.
Um, give me, I’m trying to think of another example. Another example could be like, uh, you know, some, you know, a lot of women come up against this issue with their partner. Like, she’s like, Hey, I’m over it. I’m totally available for a donor egg. And, you know, and the, the, the partner is like, if it’s not our a hundred percent, our genetic baby, I don’t want this baby.
Oh yeah. I’m not doing it. And, and one of the things that, that is, is so pervasive is women are just terrified of owning the truth. Hey dude, I am willing to do whatever it freaking takes. Can’t you see it’s hard enough for me to have made this decision, but I am so open. I still want this family. I’m willing to do it.
And then they’re afraid they don’t, they don’t tell the truth because they don’t want their partner to go away when they don’t want the answer. Right. And we stay stuck there in this. I want this. And he’s like, no, I don’t. I don’t want that. It has to be 100 percent us or I don’t want that. So here’s what I would do is instead like back away from that because there’s no, that’s like, there’s a dead end there.
Like until one of you caves and now neither of you are going to cave in terms of that. And I think compromise sucks anyway. Oh, say more about that. Say more about that. Cause that’s like the exact opposite of what everyone has been taught is like, nobody gets what they want. Like, let’s just both water our needs down and our desires down enough so that we can compromise so that we can stay together and not blow it up.
Instead, like I’m like, step away from it and go, okay, I want to understand what’s going on with. Inside of you. Like, why do you feel that way? You clearly feel strongly that the child has to be 100 percent you and I. Otherwise, it’s not a child that you want to raise. I genuinely want to understand where that comes from.
What’s going, what’s going on for you and just ask lots of questions, get underneath it, figure out what’s going on there, figure out what’s really important to them and what’s not important to them. When you can step back from that and try to understand it, and then he can try to understand your perspective.
Well, now we can become much more creative problem solvers inside the relationship. It’s not just like, I’m willing to do this, and he’s like, nope, I’m not. Figure it out. We’re at a dead end there. But now if you step back and you’re like, look, our relationship is at stake here, and I need to understand why you feel the way you do.
Because it also tells me who I’m married to and what your values are and what’s important to you and what’s not important to you. So this is, this is a really important conversation to have. Thank you for being so brave. Well, I mean, it’s not, it comes naturally to you. It’s not really about bravery, but there’s still bravery to be willing to say.
Hey, don’t back off of that. Ask about it. Yeah. Get curious because it doesn’t mean that you have to, you know, it doesn’t mean that anyone has to lose here because look, he’s gonna find out he’s going to find out he’s going to figure out who you really are because you know, the relationship is going to disintegrate because you’ll be mad at him.
You’ll be holding it against him and it just, it’s a recipe for disaster. Or if he only loves the woman who’s willing to subjugate her needs. So that means you’re what going to subjugate your needs for the rest of your life, just so that the relationship doesn’t crumble. Like if he loves you and you’re the one who’s willing to subjugate your needs, then who he loves doesn’t actually really exist.
He loves a version of you, not the real you. Wow. That’s last week. You know, like, don’t be afraid of like, it’s just a perspective. And when we hold it a little lightly, like my husband has a perspective that it has to be a hundred percent. The baby has to be a hundred percent us. That’s just a perspective.
Don’t get so scared of it. Dive into it. Try to understand it. That’s important. Right, right. Oh, that is, uh, that is just so brilliant. And it’s such a, it’s such a breath of fresh air to be able to speak that and to not be in a place of constant compromise, particularly where your part of the equation is not considered.
Well, and let’s back it up with your, you know, the title of the podcast is fearlessly fertile. If your husband says. I’m not willing to do that, whatever that is. You don’t dive into it. The only reason you don’t is fear. Amen. Lightning strike right there, Sharon Pope in full effect, . I love that. I love that.
I mean, and so it, it’s, I love where, you know, what you’ve done here, Sharon, is you’ve really given us a lot to think about. We’ve talked about. Okay. Don’t make that, that narrow window of conception a duty. You’re feminine. Like, you know, don’t run your, your relationship until it’s, it’s running on fumes and virtually empty because when the baby comes, do you really think that your relationship being in tatters is an awesome foundation for that family?
And then don’t back off of who you are? Like, because they’re going to find out. One way or another and just trying to hold something together that might in the end need to fall apart anyway is a recipe for regret, regret that we don’t want to have on our deathbed when we’re 130. That’s right. That’s right.
Wow, that is some Sharon Pope truth. So, Sharon, my gosh, you’ve given these ladies so many things to think about. We covered some ground. I know, we sure did. We sure, I mean, we could go on for, we could do a marathon of this, but We could. We’ll give these women, you know, a taste of your brilliance. And so, Tell us a little bit about how everyone can get a hold of you because obviously, you know, if, if you’re finding yourself in a situation where your relationship is facing some challenges, you know, speaking to someone with a level head like you, who, who knows something about creating a great marriage and, and learning these skills that ultimately can help create a wonderful foundation for a family, being in contact with somebody like you would be incredible.
Bye. Bye. No, that’s, that’s very kind of you. So I wrote, I wrote a bunch of books, but I wrote a book, um, called stay or go and you can get, you can go to Sharon Pope book. com. Here’s the thing though. It is marketed towards people who are in indecision and you are probably not in indecision. You’re not thinking about leaving your marriage because you’re trying to have a baby, which makes total sense.
And here’s what I can tell you. The approach I take in that book is that a woman leans into her relationship in a much bigger way to see if it can be resurrected from the dead. Right. So I teach you all my very best relationship tools in that book. So you may as well use them now. Why not? Right. So the title may not speak to you, but the content and the tools that I teach in there will absolutely speak to you.
So that’s one place to begin. You know, use them now before your shits on the brink. That’s right. That’s, you know, it’s, it’s, it’s right. Vitamin, vitamin, not the pharmaceutical. Yeah. Well, thank you so much for being with us. And I know that the women listening to this are just going to love it. So thank you so, so much.
Incredible. Wow, loves. Wasn’t Sharon just phenomenal? She’s certainly given us a ton to think about and a ton of opportunities here to really dig our heels in and take a stand for the best that is possible for us in our relationships. So make sure that you go to Sharon Pope book. com and check out her work there.
And remember, there’s never been a better time to be looking at the way you are living your journey. Your thoughts, beliefs, actions will lead to your results. My loves, we got to get all of that in alignment. You just may be surprised at how quickly and how much more intelligently you can get there with the right help.
Between Sharon and I, we got you covered. My loves, my fearlessly fertile method program is for women who intend to get pregnant in the next 12 months. And say hell yes to covering their bases, mind and body. Let’s make your mindset bullshit proof. There’s never been a better time. I work with women who make decisions, not excuses.
I’ll only be taking a finite number of women under my wing this year. So if you want your spot to apply for your interview for this program, go to my website www.FromBabyToBaby.com and apply for an interview there. My methodology is to help women around the world make their mom dreams come true. Their results speak for themselves.
If you don’t have a mindset for success on this journey, my love, you got a gaping hole in your strategy. Let’s fix that shit and set you up for success till next time. Change your mindset, change your results. Love this episode of the fearlessly fertile podcast. Subscribe now and leave an awesome review.
Remember the desire in your heart to be a mom is there because it was meant for you when it comes to your dreams. Keep saying hell yes.